I'm Defriending You

Dear Friend (or that's what we were),

I seriously doubt that you'll ever read this, for you apparently "don't care what people think." However, I know that in due time, you will stumble upon this very website and actually be affected by what I write in this blog. Shocking isn't it, for how you care so little about your friends' lives until it's way too late. So since you're a complete asshole, blunt and direct in your language, I'm going to break it down in a way for you to understand. I'm defriending you on Facebook. You are annoying and I am sick and tired of reading your status feeds that make you seem like the little bitch that you really are. I don't defriend people usually, shit, I'm still friends with my roommate from Freshman year who tried to fuck my world over. I mean, I'm going severely hurt him if I ever see him again, but yet I have still maintained the decency to be Facebook friends with him. But you, of all people, has perpetually crossed the line with our friendship, but also on Facebook, which sufficiently warrants me to defriend you immediately.

You'll probably ask, "Why are you defriending me? We were such good friends, we go back to first grade. You remember that time that you were in my Prom group?" Before I divulge into the countless reasons as to why I'm getting rid of your sorry ass on Facebook, I must admit that you annoy the hell out of me on Facebook. And so I make this easy to read for you, I will list these in numerical order, from 1 to whatever number it takes to prove my point.

1) Your political views are as follows: "The government is lying to you. Do not believe everything you hear." Look asshole, don't tell me your views on how you think the US government is corrupt. If you don't like it, then get the fuck out. So people (i.e. me) still like this country and the many opportunities that it provides people. Also, I just want to know if you're a fucking liberal or conservative. Don't give a fucking spiel about the government. I don't tell you what to believe and you shouldn't do the same to anyone else.

2) Your religious views: "******ism - the set of morals and beliefs that I live by." Fucking great man. Glad you have your religion dude. Except no one their right mind would follow it. I have my own beliefs as well, but I don't call it "J-Martism" or anything like that. Keep them to yourself.

3) Your status updates. Look, I care about you as a friend, but everytime you write "_____ isn't happy and won't be going to sleep again" for the millionth time in the past month, it makes me wonder if you're just screaming for attention. It just seems like you're crying wolf, except that no one cares this time. Suck it up if you're not happy. I have a lot of friends on Facebook and yet you're the only one who constant is upset and unhappy. Jesus Christo motherfucker, be happy for once.

4) Your notes. Practice what you preach, son. Especially this part:

"Talk to women like actual people. Respect their wishes. If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, then respect and don't push for more than what she wants. That's only going to make things worse. Don't get into a relationship unless you really want it and you really want to make it work."

Don't forget the countless number of women that you have scared off because you're a fucking creeper. Asking to hang out with all of the women that you are obsessed with is unacceptable. T Especially over Facebook where people who are curious such as myself are bound to see it. There's a reason why they don't want to hang out with you, because you are fucking weird and you're madly in love with them. Bros before hos, man. Remember that.

5) You haven't wished me "Happy Birthday" on Facebook in over 2 years... in fact, you've never sent birthday wishes my way. Die, cunt, die. I don't really care all that much about Facebook love, but man we went way back. It's the fucking least you can do after all of these years. It's just two words man. Happy. Birthday. That's it. Show some love every once in a while instead of buttering up women with your "suave" wall posts.

6) On the other hand, I've returned the favor by sending you my birthday wishes every fucking year. What a great friend you are. Asshole.

7) Your quotes. They're way too long and obstruct my journey from the top of the profile on down to the bottom. It's great that you quote Sailor Moon, but wasn't that an anime cartoon from a long time ago. Please don't tell me you still like that show from like 5th grade. Oh right, you're still a fucking loser.

8) You delete my wall posts. I once wrote "baby, i'll be your hero" responding to your status that "you were holding out for a hero." Apparently, you cannot take a joke and thus you cannot be my friend on Facebook.

So there. As you can see, I have given you eight good and sound reasons as to why I'm defriending you solely from your actions on Facebook. If you want more, I have a list of them. Not necessarily a list, but if you give me a pen, paper, and some time, I could make a laundry list that even the Kennedys would be jealous of. Now that would be something to be proud of. Goodbye.

Sincerely,

Me