#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach

As some of you may know already, I have been hired to be a swim coach this summer. While becoming a swim coach in the summer before I graduate college isn't the smartest move in the world, it was something that I wanted to do. Getting a job and working in the "real world" is all fine and dandy, but it sucks so much balls. If I got a real job this summer, I would be doing the exact same things I did last summer, where I absolutely hated my job and my life as a result. When your boss calls you "Jason the Mason" as a way to encourage you to try and fit into a jersey for a one-armed cyclist, you know you're on the wrong career track. So while I learned how to make copies, build boxes, and mail packages, I also got my fair share of having my desk moved, getting yelled at for anything, and everything else I touched, said, or did.

Knowing full well that I wasn't going to resort to being an "office bitch" for yet another summer, I was on the hunt for a new job. I got a lot of interest from places where I applied, but of course it was either one thing or another that turned me away from those jobs. As a way to make some decent money and to actually have some fun this summer, I decided to get back into coaching swimming. I had a great time when I was a coach a few years back and I really enjoyed working with kids. I taught them how to swim and many life lessons such as not shitting in the shower or exactly where to deliver that knockout punch. Fond of those memories, I applied with a few teams in my area that were in need of a swim coach, and suddenly found myself hired as a head coach within weeks. So here I am, the day before I become formally introduced as the head coach of my team, and I have my mind on one thing this season: Winning a swim meet.

So here's the deal. In my first and perhaps only season as a head coach of a swim team, I just want to win one swim meet. I don't think its that hard. I just want to experience the joy of victory just once. I don't care if my team loses the rest of our meets, I just want to win one. It's not too much to ask for, just one. We have five meets this season, so I'll take a .200 winning percentage in my career, so long as I have that one meet. And if I win that meet, I'm going to go fucking crazy. I'm going to high five everyone, scream like a child, and go apeshit over the fact that I won a meet. There's no doubt in mind I will give the other team the crotch chops an infinite number of times and tell them all to suck my dick. And then I'll take off all of my clothes and jump in the water. Something like that. Of course that will never happen because it's just a figment of my imagination and I would get arrested if I did such a thing.

However, there is a catch. I have my back against the wall this season as my team has moved up two divisions after winning their division championship last summer. We have tougher opponents this time around and they'll be looking to win after disappointing season. My team is seeded last in our division and we're supposed to finish that way this year. However, I want to shock the world. Although going 0-fer this season is par for the course, I want to do better than that and exceed expectations. I want to shock the world, in a sense. Make the impossible possible and prove everyone wrong. I've done it once before and I'm sure I can do it again. It all starts tomorrow, the quest to win a swim meet. This summer is going to be, as I would say, ballin.

#19: Teach a College Course

Throughout my years of education, I've always hated teachers. Not just hated, but despised, distrusted, and any other negative word that you could think of. I've just never been a fan of them. There have been many instances which have reinforced this notion in my head, from the times when a history teacher in high school wanted to fail my final exam because I used the term "w/" instead of "with" to even today where I hate my Philosophy professor for being a stupid bitch with her quizzes. Regardless of the sour experiences I've had with teachers, I never thought I would actually want to join the dark side and become one of them.

That was until last year when my school made an error in the paperwork and let me, of all people, teach University 101, a class designed to help freshmen adjust to college. Shocking, I know, considering my most famous moments at college have been falling out of a closet while drunk and telling a girl that I wanted to eat her breasts. Anyway, I was a Peer Leader for the semester, which is like a TA, but I don't exchange sexual favors in return for higher grades. And the thing is that I like teaching so much, that I wanted to do it again.

my one shining moment.

So after three months of waiting after I sent my application in, I finally was accepted to return to teach for the Fall. The reason I bring this up, is because I find fascinatingly hilarious how students team up with instructors to create their teaching teams. Not that I know anything about this subject but this situation would make me think of swinger party in a creepy, non-sexual way. So here I am, battered and bruised after my past instructors have left me for other, more "attractive" options. So I walk into this mixer last night and I seemed to just whore myself out to other instructors, almost as if I was saying, "COME AND FUCK ME, I'LL LOVE YOU LONG TIME." When I had to talk about myself, it seemed like I kept saying "I HAVE A 3.96 GPA COME AND PLAY WITH MY BALLS!" It was all about trying to put my best foot forward, and apparently my GPA and my balls are my two most important features. So, when I kept asking general questions to all of the instructors there, but every question about teaching style sounded like "IS YOUR PUSSY BIG ENOUGH TO FIT MY EXTRAORDINARILY LARGE MANMEAT? CAN YOU HANDLE THIS HEAT I'M PACKIN' BITCH?" It just seemed like I was whoring myself out to people and I was unashamed to do so.

I was getting with everyone and everyone was getting with me. Even the grad assistant who taught my peer leader class last semester was giving the "I want to fuck you*, but it'd be cool if you didn't have any other options and become my second instructor" look. After whoring myself out to some 20-odd instructors, I was able to find someone TO SUCK MY DICK ...er.... I mean, an instructor to be a part of my teaching team. We'll see what happens.

* - I fucking wish.