#45: Blinddate on Craigslist

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you all what kind of girl I should date on Craigslist. Surprisingly you all responded and showed no mercy, as you all voted for me to date all of them. I know that was going to freaking happen. To even think why I put this on the list or even think about it in the first place is unfathomable. Dating on Craiglist is such a stupid idea. Craigslist is for people who can't get a date or are just looking to get high or their d wet. Hell, Craigslist isn't for me, because I have had my share of hookups/relationships in the past year, regardless of how awkward they may have been. Despite how much of a bad idea this seems to be, I cannot disappoint my readers and goddamnit, I need some amusement in my life. So over the course of the next few weeks, I will undertake the process of going on dates with a fat bitch, a Jesusfreak, a black woman, and a foreign woman. ed note: What the hell did I get myself into?

So before I begin my search, I have standards. Shocking isn't it? So when I'm doing this, I'd like to keep whatever amount of pride, if any, that I will have after this. My standards are as follows:

1) They cannot be that ugly. A little displeasing on the eyes is ok. But butt-ugly? No way. I have to understand that Craigslist is not the place for beautiful women and must accept medocrity in this case.
2) The woman must provide herself with a picture. I want to know what she looks like, so I can either recognize her or run away from her. I think that the latter is more acceptable.
3) The woman has to between the ages of 18 and 23. I don't want an old bitch who has a thing like a "career." What the fuck is that shit? Plus, I think I can better relate to a younger woman, instead of someone who graduated high school in 1990.
4) The woman must meet me at a neutral location. I will not pick the bitch up. I plan on ditching a couple of times since women tend to lie about their appearance and I do not expect any difference with this.
5) A date will consist of at least dinner in a neutral place. No romantic dinners at their place. No weird-ass activities that may want me to leave. I want to get to know the person.
6) I will pay only for myself. It's a tough time in the economy and I do not want to spend any more money than I have to. I will not pay for them unless we either go to McDonalds or hit up my college's dining hall so I can use my Bonus Bucks. Since school's out of the summer and it's eight hours away, that's completely out of the question. Plus, this person may be fat and could eat the whole fucking restaurant. Do you know how much that is? I don't but I'm sure I don't want to find out. Call me a cheapskate, but remember I'm the only person who's willing to take your desperate ass out on a date.
7) I will return home after the date. No, I will not in for coffee so you can take advantage of me. That is not going to happen. I'm 20 years old and I still live my parents. As ballin' as that is, they show their love and affection for me by checking up on me routinely.
8) There will be no second dates. Unless they absolutely blow me away, which is unlikely.
9) No Cheesecake Factory. I am not going to let some woman ruin the fond memories that I have of my favorite restaurant.

With that being said, this is not going to go well. After browsing through the many, many personal ads on Craigslist, I do not like what I see. Living near Washington DC, one of the biggest cities in the country, you'd like to think that there would be something redeeming about one of these posts. But no, there isn't. For example let me show you.

Girl #1: "Lookin for that someone"
Age: 23

You Had Me At... "He say's "Would you like to go out" what he really meant was "I want you to come with me to go to the nearest Payday Loan place and get him money."


Damn right, get that man some money. Next.



Girl #2: "Looking for a possible relationship."

Age: 19

You Had Me At..."I want someone who can tolerate an extremely lame sense of humor (me). Race means nothing to me. Religion, a bit more. I don't want a Christian-basher for a possible future boyfriend. Alcoholics, sexual deviants, liars, cheaters, and other such baggage is not welcome."

Jesus Christo! It looks like my lucky day! + 1 for looking like a total freak. Next.




Girl #3: "wife me"
Age: 19

You Had Me At..."no body over 30 pls...i dont have time fr no bitch ass ness"

I don't think I'm a "bitch ass," so she might be good enough for me. Holla.

Oh man. This is going to be fun.