#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach

As some of you may know already, I have been hired to be a swim coach this summer. While becoming a swim coach in the summer before I graduate college isn't the smartest move in the world, it was something that I wanted to do. Getting a job and working in the "real world" is all fine and dandy, but it sucks so much balls. If I got a real job this summer, I would be doing the exact same things I did last summer, where I absolutely hated my job and my life as a result. When your boss calls you "Jason the Mason" as a way to encourage you to try and fit into a jersey for a one-armed cyclist, you know you're on the wrong career track. So while I learned how to make copies, build boxes, and mail packages, I also got my fair share of having my desk moved, getting yelled at for anything, and everything else I touched, said, or did.

Knowing full well that I wasn't going to resort to being an "office bitch" for yet another summer, I was on the hunt for a new job. I got a lot of interest from places where I applied, but of course it was either one thing or another that turned me away from those jobs. As a way to make some decent money and to actually have some fun this summer, I decided to get back into coaching swimming. I had a great time when I was a coach a few years back and I really enjoyed working with kids. I taught them how to swim and many life lessons such as not shitting in the shower or exactly where to deliver that knockout punch. Fond of those memories, I applied with a few teams in my area that were in need of a swim coach, and suddenly found myself hired as a head coach within weeks. So here I am, the day before I become formally introduced as the head coach of my team, and I have my mind on one thing this season: Winning a swim meet.

So here's the deal. In my first and perhaps only season as a head coach of a swim team, I just want to win one swim meet. I don't think its that hard. I just want to experience the joy of victory just once. I don't care if my team loses the rest of our meets, I just want to win one. It's not too much to ask for, just one. We have five meets this season, so I'll take a .200 winning percentage in my career, so long as I have that one meet. And if I win that meet, I'm going to go fucking crazy. I'm going to high five everyone, scream like a child, and go apeshit over the fact that I won a meet. There's no doubt in mind I will give the other team the crotch chops an infinite number of times and tell them all to suck my dick. And then I'll take off all of my clothes and jump in the water. Something like that. Of course that will never happen because it's just a figment of my imagination and I would get arrested if I did such a thing.

However, there is a catch. I have my back against the wall this season as my team has moved up two divisions after winning their division championship last summer. We have tougher opponents this time around and they'll be looking to win after disappointing season. My team is seeded last in our division and we're supposed to finish that way this year. However, I want to shock the world. Although going 0-fer this season is par for the course, I want to do better than that and exceed expectations. I want to shock the world, in a sense. Make the impossible possible and prove everyone wrong. I've done it once before and I'm sure I can do it again. It all starts tomorrow, the quest to win a swim meet. This summer is going to be, as I would say, ballin.