Saturday, June 28, 2008

#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach

Instead of having this drag out all season or not even come to fruition at all, it only took my second meet to notch the first coaching win in my belt. We scored a major upset today, as we beat the top-seeded team in our division by 40 points. It was a very impressive win for us today, considered we were seeded dead last going into the season. I'm quite proud of my swimmers and they laid it all out on the line today for us.

I honestly could get into more details about the meet, but I must say that winning feels so good and makes any problems that you have dissipate. As I wrote previously about when I won my first meet, I was going to jump in the water and give the opposing coach the crotch chops, none of that happened. There was no ill will as we had one of those postgame handshake lines that you used to do after youth basketball games. It's looked so cheesy and corny, and it pales in comparison to the crotch crops. My swimmers did indeed throw me into the water, and I'm sure that they were very happy to do so. They deserved it. They've worked hard in the past few weeks and should bask in their moment of glory. It hasn't really hit me yet, so I'm kind of at a loss for words. I also lost my voice today and currently sound like a frog, so that might have something to do with being speechless. Hopefully, we can pull together another win next week, but we'll see.

I'm Not Dead

I'm back. I'd thought I never see the day. After taking a brief hiatus, I'd like to say that I've returned. It was probably more you and than me, as an e-mail popped up in my inbox saying that someone suggested that I should post something. So reader, I am here to save the day and to give you "something." You must realize that this isn't a type of blog that I'm going to update everyday. Unlike most bloggers, I do have a life and I'm not willing to compromise it so I can tell about this one time I did a kegstand. Bear with me, people. I preach patience in this case, for you might not like the spontaneous and irregular posts now, but you will be rewarded with good material in the future.

But readers and friends, there hasn't been much worth mentioning lately. Work has consumed me and pretty much ruins my entire life. It's fun and very rewarding, but the hours suck and it seems as if I only talk about swimming. That's all people ever ask about, "how's your team doing?" or "have you won a meet yet?" I wish I could ask them the same about how they're treating their herpes infection but of course, that's completely inappropriate and just plain wrong. Sure, I could talk about the many adventures of my coaching job, but half of those stories would consist of a nine year old who's amazingly talented but has a habit of slapping ass of both boys and girls, and how little girls are my nuts all of the time. And I know if I became one of those coaches that are still coaching when they're 40, then I'm sure I'll be the lead story on Chris Hansen's "To Catch a Predator" in a couple of years. But then again, I met a coach from another team who's like 35, and he looked like a fucking loser.

Other than that, I got really wasted on Saturday night. It was my friend's 21st birthday party and I proceeded to drink myself into a slow death with a medley of shots, beers, and God knows what else. I somehow managed to make it home before I proceeded to pass out in the living room, after spraying vomit all over the refrigerator and kitchen sink. Let me just say that Mom was not too happy to see her son dry heaving on the floor at three in the morning. But yeah, that's what I've done lately.

In regards to my life list, I haven't actively pursued it. Since the Craigslist date with that girl (yes, I ended up going on a second date, and she doesn't seem that bad). I don't think we have the same intentions, as I don't envision her to be a freak in the sheets and she doesn't envision me to praise higher powers. But she's fun and I have a good time with her. Luckily, she's in Honduras for the next six weeks (thank the fucking lord), so I have that much more time to come up with so many reasons to get in her pants. (haha not really). But I did complete one of my goals today, which is saying something. I'll post about that later.

Although, I'm up to my ears in coaching stuff, I will make this promise to you ladies and gents. I promise to try and update as much as possible. I'm not going to give you any filler, I want to put my best foot forward to you all since you deserve that. So I'll try. I'll put some more effort into this. Stay with me, people, as my writings will entertain throughly. I can assure you that.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


I got hit in the mouth the other day and knocked a tooth out. Not really exciting news, but bear with me, these last three weeks have not been intellectually stimulating for me.u c In fact, this is incredibly embarassing, considering how my tooth was smashed the cause for it. I honestly wish I could say that I got punched in the mouth by some thug, because losing a tooth in that manner would be really cool. Even curbstomping would have been better, because I must have done something that really deserved having my face kicked into a curb. But no, I had to have a tooth knocked out because of a fucking stopwatch that was around my neck.

You can thank a little six-year old girl for that one. She is the fucking devil and she jumped into my 13 and older practice the other night while they were swimming. I sent one of my swimmers to get her out of the water. Obviously, the swimmer I sent to go fetch her didn't work, so I came running over with my stopwatch around my neck. I was jumping up and down for some reason, probably because of the way the girl was screaming as she was being dragged out of the water. And so the stopwatch came up and got me in the mouth. The next thing I knew, my tooth flew out of my mouth and onto the pool deck. So instead of swallowing my pride and finishing practice like a man, my self-conscious side didn't want to be seen with a front tooth missing, so I canceled the rest of practice and fucking freaking as I was missing a tooth. Needless to say, I got it fixed the next day and it's all good. Except for the fact that I had to cut up a cheeseburger today during a swim meet. So ballin' indeed.

in fact it's embarassing, especially by how and with what the tooth was smashed.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Catfight 2K8

So in my last post, I wrote about a good friend of mine who had fallen out of favor because of his Facebook profile, not to mention his other shenanigans. I was going to defriend him on Facebook because I was tired of reading his shit on my news feed about how he was bitching and complaining. When I'm on Facebook, I want to know about juicy shit, like wall-to-wall conversations and relationship status changes, not status updates about how fucked up someone's life is. It's mildly entertaining for a time but after three years of this shit continually popping up on my Facebook, it has become quite a problem. And when you have a problem, you usually fix it, which is what I did. Yes, I defriended him. As much as it pains me to cut off connections to the guy, I don't want this fucker to ruin my Facebook experience. I decided that this was the instance to finally grow some balls and man up. This is CATFIGHT 2K8 PEOPLE!!!

In one corner, there was me: the person was tired of this person's shit and ready to react. I was going to float like a butterfly with my big words and sting like a bee with my verbal barbs. This wasn't stuff for kids anymore, like our previous struggles had been, this was a full-on war. I have three years of college under my belt and a vocabulary that would make any novelist blush. Plus, I had an arsenal of curse words to fly out, if I ever showed any signs of frustration-aggression syndrome.

In the other corner, was my friend: a whiny bitch. He was on a mission to attract sympathy and attention from others from his constant cries of "wolf" and the ever-so-popular "I'm lonely and I haven't seen you in forever, so let's hang out" card. In addition to his bitching and whining, he was never a great friend, as he always backed out of hanging with his friends whenever he was home, to butter up his "ladyfriends." Not to mention he also sucks at basketball, as he once received a standing ovation for making a free throw, his only point of the entire season.

Round 1: My friend wrote a rant on Facebook a few weeks that touched on controversial subjects. I finally had the balls to stand up to and comment on, calling him a complete hypocrite. He was writing about things that he never does. Treating ladies with respect? Please, son. All he ever did was scare them away with his unwanted advances of "hanging out" and countless references to them as "sweetie," "dearie," and my favorite, "sugarpie." I was being completely honest about it, for I felt that he was bullshitting his readers. (Score 1-0 the J-Man)

Round 2: Since I wrote some negative things about his rant, my friend isn't going to let me get away with the devastating early blow. He fires back with a quick response to me, saying "You don't know me and you think you can know me after not talking to me in months. Uh huh." Something like that. I would love to tell you what he wrote, but I deleted it from my wall, because I'm not going to take shit like that. I've known that person for years and I know him better than he knows himself. (Score 2-1 the J-Man's in the lead)

Round 3: Since my friend had the decency of taking this battle to the walls of our Facebook profiles, I figured that it would only be fitting to return the favor. Of course, being the bitch that he is, he blocked my access to his wall, so I couldn't respond. I resorted to send him a message, explaining to him that I may not know who he is, but if he can't take honest criticism, then he shouldn't post anything for people to see. And with that, I defriended him. Suck it. (3-2)

Round 4: In a futile attempt to regain some decency, he blocks me, which makes absolutely no sense, especially when I can't see his profile anyway. Nice try, tool. (3-3, I'll give him one for effort)

So that's how it went down. Who won? You decide.

Ed. Note: I mean, of course, I could defriend him without the shenigans that transpired above, but what's starting shit without some controversy and fireworks? This is so much more exciting than clicking on a link. If you think I'm wrong in any way and have beef for the way this occurred, then you probably don't understand and have a friend like this, yet refuse to see it. It's not about losing a friend, but rather cutting dead weight out of my life. As harsh that seems, its the truth. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do for sake of doing it, even if it's not popular and not the best option.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'm Defriending You

Dear Friend (or that's what we were),

I seriously doubt that you'll ever read this, for you apparently "don't care what people think." However, I know that in due time, you will stumble upon this very website and actually be affected by what I write in this blog. Shocking isn't it, for how you care so little about your friends' lives until it's way too late. So since you're a complete asshole, blunt and direct in your language, I'm going to break it down in a way for you to understand. I'm defriending you on Facebook. You are annoying and I am sick and tired of reading your status feeds that make you seem like the little bitch that you really are. I don't defriend people usually, shit, I'm still friends with my roommate from Freshman year who tried to fuck my world over. I mean, I'm going severely hurt him if I ever see him again, but yet I have still maintained the decency to be Facebook friends with him. But you, of all people, has perpetually crossed the line with our friendship, but also on Facebook, which sufficiently warrants me to defriend you immediately.

You'll probably ask, "Why are you defriending me? We were such good friends, we go back to first grade. You remember that time that you were in my Prom group?" Before I divulge into the countless reasons as to why I'm getting rid of your sorry ass on Facebook, I must admit that you annoy the hell out of me on Facebook. And so I make this easy to read for you, I will list these in numerical order, from 1 to whatever number it takes to prove my point.

1) Your political views are as follows: "The government is lying to you. Do not believe everything you hear." Look asshole, don't tell me your views on how you think the US government is corrupt. If you don't like it, then get the fuck out. So people (i.e. me) still like this country and the many opportunities that it provides people. Also, I just want to know if you're a fucking liberal or conservative. Don't give a fucking spiel about the government. I don't tell you what to believe and you shouldn't do the same to anyone else.

2) Your religious views: "******ism - the set of morals and beliefs that I live by." Fucking great man. Glad you have your religion dude. Except no one their right mind would follow it. I have my own beliefs as well, but I don't call it "J-Martism" or anything like that. Keep them to yourself.

3) Your status updates. Look, I care about you as a friend, but everytime you write "_____ isn't happy and won't be going to sleep again" for the millionth time in the past month, it makes me wonder if you're just screaming for attention. It just seems like you're crying wolf, except that no one cares this time. Suck it up if you're not happy. I have a lot of friends on Facebook and yet you're the only one who constant is upset and unhappy. Jesus Christo motherfucker, be happy for once.

4) Your notes. Practice what you preach, son. Especially this part:
"Talk to women like actual people. Respect their wishes. If a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, then respect and don't push for more than what she wants. That's only going to make things worse. Don't get into a relationship unless you really want it and you really want to make it work."
Don't forget the countless number of women that you have scared off because you're a fucking creeper. Asking to hang out with all of the women that you are obsessed with is unacceptable. T Especially over Facebook where people who are curious such as myself are bound to see it. There's a reason why they don't want to hang out with you, because you are fucking weird and you're madly in love with them. Bros before hos, man. Remember that.

5) You haven't wished me "Happy Birthday" on Facebook in over 2 years... in fact, you've never sent birthday wishes my way. Die, cunt, die. I don't really care all that much about Facebook love, but man we went way back. It's the fucking least you can do after all of these years. It's just two words man. Happy. Birthday. That's it. Show some love every once in a while instead of buttering up women with your "suave" wall posts.

6) On the other hand, I've returned the favor by sending you my birthday wishes every fucking year. What a great friend you are. Asshole.

7) Your quotes. They're way too long and obstruct my journey from the top of the profile on down to the bottom. It's great that you quote Sailor Moon, but wasn't that an anime cartoon from a long time ago. Please don't tell me you still like that show from like 5th grade. Oh right, you're still a fucking loser.

8) You delete my wall posts. I once wrote "baby, i'll be your hero" responding to your status that "you were holding out for a hero." Apparently, you cannot take a joke and thus you cannot be my friend on Facebook.

So there. As you can see, I have given you eight good and sound reasons as to why I'm defriending you solely from your actions on Facebook. If you want more, I have a list of them. Not necessarily a list, but if you give me a pen, paper, and some time, I could make a laundry list that even the Kennedys would be jealous of. Now that would be something to be proud of. Goodbye.