I'm Not Dead

I'm back. I'd thought I never see the day. After taking a brief hiatus, I'd like to say that I've returned. It was probably more you and than me, as an e-mail popped up in my inbox saying that someone suggested that I should post something. So reader, I am here to save the day and to give you "something." You must realize that this isn't a type of blog that I'm going to update everyday. Unlike most bloggers, I do have a life and I'm not willing to compromise it so I can tell about this one time I did a kegstand. Bear with me, people. I preach patience in this case, for you might not like the spontaneous and irregular posts now, but you will be rewarded with good material in the future.

But readers and friends, there hasn't been much worth mentioning lately. Work has consumed me and pretty much ruins my entire life. It's fun and very rewarding, but the hours suck and it seems as if I only talk about swimming. That's all people ever ask about, "how's your team doing?" or "have you won a meet yet?" I wish I could ask them the same about how they're treating their herpes infection but of course, that's completely inappropriate and just plain wrong. Sure, I could talk about the many adventures of my coaching job, but half of those stories would consist of a nine year old who's amazingly talented but has a habit of slapping ass of both boys and girls, and how little girls are my nuts all of the time. And I know if I became one of those coaches that are still coaching when they're 40, then I'm sure I'll be the lead story on Chris Hansen's "To Catch a Predator" in a couple of years. But then again, I met a coach from another team who's like 35, and he looked like a fucking loser.

Other than that, I got really wasted on Saturday night. It was my friend's 21st birthday party and I proceeded to drink myself into a slow death with a medley of shots, beers, and God knows what else. I somehow managed to make it home before I proceeded to pass out in the living room, after spraying vomit all over the refrigerator and kitchen sink. Let me just say that Mom was not too happy to see her son dry heaving on the floor at three in the morning. But yeah, that's what I've done lately.

In regards to my life list, I haven't actively pursued it. Since the Craigslist date with that girl (yes, I ended up going on a second date, and she doesn't seem that bad). I don't think we have the same intentions, as I don't envision her to be a freak in the sheets and she doesn't envision me to praise higher powers. But she's fun and I have a good time with her. Luckily, she's in Honduras for the next six weeks (thank the fucking lord), so I have that much more time to come up with so many reasons to get in her pants. (haha not really). But I did complete one of my goals today, which is saying something. I'll post about that later.

Although, I'm up to my ears in coaching stuff, I will make this promise to you ladies and gents. I promise to try and update as much as possible. I'm not going to give you any filler, I want to put my best foot forward to you all since you deserve that. So I'll try. I'll put some more effort into this. Stay with me, people, as my writings will entertain throughly. I can assure you that.

Eureka!!!

Finally! After wasting countless hours on the abyss of life that I'd like to call Craigslist, I found not one but TWO breakthroughs this week! I have found two lucky ladies who have fallen victim to my suave e-mail correspondence and want to go on dates with me. But first, before I explain who these ladies are, at this point, I now know for a fact that women who post personal ads are Craigslist are either a) ugly, b) fat, c) batshit crazy, d) retarded, or e) all of the above. Nearly half of the e-mails I have written are complete lies and even typing how I think some girl looks sexy in her half-naked picture wearing a bra that look like something my mother would wear, made me cringe. Of course, the likely answer in all of my encounters has been e), especially with that fat bitch who told me that she wasn't going to change my diapers. Unfortunately, I forgot that woman was retarded and couldn't see the fact that I was 20 fucking years old and I can not only shit but also wipe for myself. It's amazing to see how kids grow up so fast.

The first girl I'm going on a date with isn't that bad. Honestly, she's not. She seems somewhat normal and she and I have a lot of common interests like good food, going on adventures, and drinking. Yes, drinking is an interest. Or at least I hope that's what she was referring to in her last e-mail. But (key word right there), she has two strikes against her already, and I haven't even met the girl yet. For one thing, she's very religious, something that I'm not. I can tolerate that as long as we don't spend our date going to church or taking about religion, a subject I'm not comfortable with. And the other, much worse thing, is her music tastes. Her favorite band is Creed. Enough said, I don't care you bust your own rhymes or like Journey and Maroon 5, liking Creed is the ultimate kiss of death. Look, I liked Creed back in middle school until I realized that Scott Stapp is a fucking creep and all of their songs were about God. She's also not very attractive, but I'm not going to count that against her, because I knew that the quality of women coming into this were lacking.

But anyway, her name is the name of a Clapton song and hopefully if things go well, I could serenade her with my very own rendition of it. Unlikely, yes, but you never know. She's 21 and she's studying to be a missionary. It's very interesting to do such a thing, to help people better their lives, as long as she doesn't do this or impose the will of God on them.

Now on the other hand, the other girl that is "absolutely dying" (as she says) to meet me is a whole different beast. Not only is she ugly, she likes country music and can't even spell. That would be enough for me to not even to look at the person, but since I'm doing this to be a complete asshole and for my seven readers' amusement, she sounds like the girl for me. She's like a perfect match, if you would say so. I have nothing in common with this girl, the only reason I even clicked on her ad is because it said "Looking for a Cowboy" and she had a picture. Yes, I am that selective it comes to clicking on personal ads. Hook me with something tempting and shit, I'm in. However, this girl is something else. I can't tell if she's retarded, lazy, or just fucking dumb. It might be any of those, but who knows, it could be all three.



For instance, I told the girl that I was a swim coach since she asked what I did for a living. Not the greatest career in the world, but it makes better money than being a temp or waiting tables. Instead of explaining her response, I'll simply copy and paste:

"What pool are you working at there is a pool over hear and omg the people are rich and think there shit doesn't stink is it in bethesda??? And if it is in bethesda and off of macarher then lol 2 of the boys are mine i nanny them!"

Woman, what the fuck did you say? I think you said about six or seven separate thoughts, but I can't tell since there are only two freaking sentences. And I honestly don't care about the kids you nanny. Yeah, you think you're hot shit since you nanny them, but you can't spell a lick...Not the greatest role model I'd want my kids to be like. Plus, I have had enough interaction with kids already in my life to make me not want them, and if I did, their lives would not be pretty. Let me continue on with the e-mail. Like all of the e-mails that I send to my ladies, I ask them the four people that they would invite to dinner (living or dead, real or fake, doesn't matter). While some people answered with intelligent responses such as Oscar Wilde or JFK, this woman has decided to have a nice family reunion at dinner, as shown below:

"Now for dinner, I would say my dad he died when I was 13 so I would like to show him how I've turned out even more messed up then he hoped lol! Then my mom's mom jan even thou I never got to meet her i hear the most wonderful things about hr and everyone says I am just like her! and when i was little I called her jam i couldn't say n's very well! My mom I havn't seen her in over a year just be nice to talk! Oh and Dessalee lol the person I was named after!"

My point exactly. Here's to not losing my sanity in the week, or even my life.

Craigslist Updates

I now know why people pursue and use online dating. Because they fucking suck at life and cannot get a date to save their lives. In the week that I have browsed the Craigslist women-for-men personal ads, the assortment of ads that I have seen have ranged from women WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND YET THEY CANT SPEL A SINGEL THIGN WRITE to the women who don't want to be hurt yet again in a relationship only because the guy probably came to the conclusion that she was butt-ugly. Oh yeah, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the massive amounts of ads where fat black women have an obsession for skinny white boys such as myself. I would not be surprised if these women ate those poor young men instead of suffocating and crushing them with their massive frames.

As I write this post, I have responded to a bunch of personal ads on Craigslist and I have not gotten far with anyone. No one. Out of the many desperate people that I have contacted in the past week, I haven't gotten past the second e-mail, which may be a sign that they are not real, or they have found another man to bitch and complain to. (Don't cry for me, I'm happy that these women don't have to contact me ever again.) I'm convinced that these women on Craigslist are bots for dating websites, as many of the e-mails in response to the ones that I send are advertisements for me to try these sites. Personally, I think it's a brilliant idea that these sites do this, as a way to draw desperate love-seeking people to their site. However, it does not work for my plan, which has nothing to do with finding love, but rather breaking women's hearts and destroying any self-esteem that I have in undertaking this.

So here's the deal. I plan to complete whore myself out to the internets soon. If they're fat, skinny, bitchy, psycho, or just plain ugly, I want them. I want to take them out to a nice seafood dinner and never call them again. I want to give them the impression that I'm serious with them and then just break their heart. I want to know what it feels like to go on a date with an ugly woman with a beard or hell, a woman with a hairpiece. I'll them that their prosthetic leg is sexy and how I'll get a hard-on if they show me their stump.* The point is, I want to get this done as soon as possible and I don't want this to draw out over the summer and interfere with my life. I don't care what happens, I just want this to end.

*- No way. That is fucking disgusting and anyone should be ashamed if they like to beat it to that. Sick fuckers.

#45: Blinddate on Craigslist

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you all what kind of girl I should date on Craigslist. Surprisingly you all responded and showed no mercy, as you all voted for me to date all of them. I know that was going to freaking happen. To even think why I put this on the list or even think about it in the first place is unfathomable. Dating on Craiglist is such a stupid idea. Craigslist is for people who can't get a date or are just looking to get high or their d wet. Hell, Craigslist isn't for me, because I have had my share of hookups/relationships in the past year, regardless of how awkward they may have been. Despite how much of a bad idea this seems to be, I cannot disappoint my readers and goddamnit, I need some amusement in my life. So over the course of the next few weeks, I will undertake the process of going on dates with a fat bitch, a Jesusfreak, a black woman, and a foreign woman. ed note: What the hell did I get myself into?

So before I begin my search, I have standards. Shocking isn't it? So when I'm doing this, I'd like to keep whatever amount of pride, if any, that I will have after this. My standards are as follows:

1) They cannot be that ugly. A little displeasing on the eyes is ok. But butt-ugly? No way. I have to understand that Craigslist is not the place for beautiful women and must accept medocrity in this case.
2) The woman must provide herself with a picture. I want to know what she looks like, so I can either recognize her or run away from her. I think that the latter is more acceptable.
3) The woman has to between the ages of 18 and 23. I don't want an old bitch who has a thing like a "career." What the fuck is that shit? Plus, I think I can better relate to a younger woman, instead of someone who graduated high school in 1990.
4) The woman must meet me at a neutral location. I will not pick the bitch up. I plan on ditching a couple of times since women tend to lie about their appearance and I do not expect any difference with this.
5) A date will consist of at least dinner in a neutral place. No romantic dinners at their place. No weird-ass activities that may want me to leave. I want to get to know the person.
6) I will pay only for myself. It's a tough time in the economy and I do not want to spend any more money than I have to. I will not pay for them unless we either go to McDonalds or hit up my college's dining hall so I can use my Bonus Bucks. Since school's out of the summer and it's eight hours away, that's completely out of the question. Plus, this person may be fat and could eat the whole fucking restaurant. Do you know how much that is? I don't but I'm sure I don't want to find out. Call me a cheapskate, but remember I'm the only person who's willing to take your desperate ass out on a date.
7) I will return home after the date. No, I will not in for coffee so you can take advantage of me. That is not going to happen. I'm 20 years old and I still live my parents. As ballin' as that is, they show their love and affection for me by checking up on me routinely.
8) There will be no second dates. Unless they absolutely blow me away, which is unlikely.
9) No Cheesecake Factory. I am not going to let some woman ruin the fond memories that I have of my favorite restaurant.

With that being said, this is not going to go well. After browsing through the many, many personal ads on Craigslist, I do not like what I see. Living near Washington DC, one of the biggest cities in the country, you'd like to think that there would be something redeeming about one of these posts. But no, there isn't. For example let me show you.

Girl #1: "Lookin for that someone"
Age: 23

You Had Me At... "He say's "Would you like to go out" what he really meant was "I want you to come with me to go to the nearest Payday Loan place and get him money."


Damn right, get that man some money. Next.



Girl #2: "Looking for a possible relationship."

Age: 19

You Had Me At..."I want someone who can tolerate an extremely lame sense of humor (me). Race means nothing to me. Religion, a bit more. I don't want a Christian-basher for a possible future boyfriend. Alcoholics, sexual deviants, liars, cheaters, and other such baggage is not welcome."

Jesus Christo! It looks like my lucky day! + 1 for looking like a total freak. Next.




Girl #3: "wife me"
Age: 19

You Had Me At..."no body over 30 pls...i dont have time fr no bitch ass ness"

I don't think I'm a "bitch ass," so she might be good enough for me. Holla.

Oh man. This is going to be fun.