Saturday, May 31, 2008

Suggestions Now Welcome

Now that I've completed blinddating on Craigslist for now (once this summer is enough). I'm putting the power of the next item on my list to complete in your hands. If you will notice, at the top left of this page, there is a Skribit feature. (I'd also like to thank Barry Melrose Rocks for the wonderful idea). Call it a suggestion box, if you will, but I'm interested to hear in what I should do next. In my opinion, I'm at a crossroads with this list. Some of these items can't be completed right now because of logistics and constraints I have with work. Yeah, working three hours a day right now is really hampering my plans. Other items can't be completed because I'm not of legal age to do so and I'm not looking for any more trouble with my school before I graduate, so those are out of the question. Also, there are some I don't want to do, but could be done. However, they would make a lot of people mad and I'd probably get myself killed for some of them (i.e. punch someone in the face). It's not a forgone conclusion, but I have a strange feeling that no one is going to let me punch them in the face without any repercussions.

So my readers, the power is in your hands. Pick the next thing I should do on my list. I'd love to hear your input and you and maybe two other people are what makes this site go. The power is in your hands. And if I agree with your sentiments, then perhaps I will do it. As a reference point, I would recommend looking at this before you start typing away in that box. So good luck and godspeed. Hopefully, you all come up with something interesting.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Fuck Anyone Named Stephen

After much correspondence via e-mail, the girl and I finally decided to meet up. Even though I do have apprehensions about this, especially with her being extremely religious and not very attractive, I decided to go through it anyway, since I was the one who brought up the idea of meeting up. I stupidly gave her my phone number and yesterday, I awoke to a "good morning! :-)" text from her. I suddenly thought that going out with her was probably the highlight of her day, while it was probably fourth or fifth for me, behind coaching, going to the gym, making a ballin' rap/techno mix, and watching paint dry on walls. I could bore you on the details of how the story kept going, but all that happened was a series of texts between her and I, which made my feelings about this progressively worse. I know, boring shit.

The date itself wasn't bad. It wasn't good either, which doesn't really tell you much. It was a weird date. Although I tried and tried and tried to convince myself to back out of this while I could, I followed through with the date. Not to say that I attempted to cancel, by playing the "I don't know where it is, so I can't come" card. I've had people cancel on me before, shit, I even had once girl lie about the fact that her aunt was dead so she could leave. It would only be fitting if I were to return such a favor. However, that was quickly shot down as she texted me the address of the place, which thwarted my plans. I mean I like to say that I'm a man of my word, but when it comes to women and dating, I'm very picky and will backtrack to force my way out of things.

I orignially thought the date was between her and I, just a nice little romantic dinner between the two of us where we would eat, get to know each other, and go our separate ways. But no, that's never the case. After parking my car in Northwest, paying some dude $20 with the hope that my car won't get broken into, and briskly walking towards the restaurant, I see her. However, she's not by herself, she's standing with two other people. The texts I ignored during the car ride came back to bite my in the ass, as one them included "is it cool if i bring my friends?" Obviously, it was too late to say FUCK NO, but you have to go with what you can. Apparently, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I finally met with the girl, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend, Stephen.

Now I mentioned Stephen's name, because I fucking hate him. Stephen is the epitome of everything I do not like about people in the world. He is fat, a complete tool, a fucking nerd, speaks with annoying lisp, and thinks he is hot shit. Stephen is the guy on the right in the picture, because he kept his Facebook profile public like a real asshole would. (Suck it.) I would have smacked him for some of the things that he said, but that would not have worked out so well, because Stephen was once in the Air Force. At the restaurant in which we ate at, there was a booth where there is a small table that is surrounded by large cushions and looks rather scenic. Once we enter the restaurant, Stephen comes up with the bright idea for us to sit at the booth.

Yes, it was a great idea at the time, but no one would have expected poor Stephen to break a sweat slurping his soup. Once he gets his Tortilla Soup from the waiter, Stephen begins to perspire as if we're in the middle of the desert. Of course, we moved, so that the poor man would not soak himself in sweat during the course of eating. Stephen was not feeling much better now that he was away from the blazing hot lights of the booth. He finishes his soup and randomly decides that he is going to mix the salsa and queso that we ordered separately, into the same bowl. Without consulting the rest of our table, Stephen is proactive and proceed to dump the entire bowl of salsa in the piping-hot container of queso. Great idea once again, Stephen. It's too bad that I didn't like my salsa and cheese mixed together because I was eating some damn good chips.

The girl and I finally begin to talk to each other and things seem to be going well. That is, until Stephen interjects and starts talking about himself. I can't remember what he was saying for the life of me, but it sounded really important because he was making all of these crazy arm movements and was still sweating profusely. It felt like I was talking to an animal the whole night, because I couldn't understand the guy with his lisp and he made really spastic movements like a retard. Oh yeah and then there was that one time he got really excited about something and the next thing I knew, spit flew onto my burrito. Thanks Stephen, I bet you were hoping that I didn't see that. But I did dumbfuck. Don't think you got away with that shit.

Speaking of Stephens, I fucking hate all Stephens. For instance, I'm watching TRL (don't ask why) and the fan of the week's name is Stephen. He's from Canada, was probably dropped as a baby, and is a complete tool. The rest of date wasn't worth mentioning, which leads me to believe that the girl is incredibly boring. I was invited to hang out with them after dinner, but of course, doing so would result in me hurting Stephen. Fuck Stephen. I fucking hate him.

Friday, May 23, 2008


Finally! After wasting countless hours on the abyss of life that I'd like to call Craigslist, I found not one but TWO breakthroughs this week! I have found two lucky ladies who have fallen victim to my suave e-mail correspondence and want to go on dates with me. But first, before I explain who these ladies are, at this point, I now know for a fact that women who post personal ads are Craigslist are either a) ugly, b) fat, c) batshit crazy, d) retarded, or e) all of the above. Nearly half of the e-mails I have written are complete lies and even typing how I think some girl looks sexy in her half-naked picture wearing a bra that look like something my mother would wear, made me cringe. Of course, the likely answer in all of my encounters has been e), especially with that fat bitch who told me that she wasn't going to change my diapers. Unfortunately, I forgot that woman was retarded and couldn't see the fact that I was 20 fucking years old and I can not only shit but also wipe for myself. It's amazing to see how kids grow up so fast.

The first girl I'm going on a date with isn't that bad. Honestly, she's not. She seems somewhat normal and she and I have a lot of common interests like good food, going on adventures, and drinking. Yes, drinking is an interest. Or at least I hope that's what she was referring to in her last e-mail. But (key word right there), she has two strikes against her already, and I haven't even met the girl yet. For one thing, she's very religious, something that I'm not. I can tolerate that as long as we don't spend our date going to church or taking about religion, a subject I'm not comfortable with. And the other, much worse thing, is her music tastes. Her favorite band is Creed. Enough said, I don't care you bust your own rhymes or like Journey and Maroon 5, liking Creed is the ultimate kiss of death. Look, I liked Creed back in middle school until I realized that Scott Stapp is a fucking creep and all of their songs were about God. She's also not very attractive, but I'm not going to count that against her, because I knew that the quality of women coming into this were lacking.

But anyway, her name is the name of a Clapton song and hopefully if things go well, I could serenade her with my very own rendition of it. Unlikely, yes, but you never know. She's 21 and she's studying to be a missionary. It's very interesting to do such a thing, to help people better their lives, as long as she doesn't do this or impose the will of God on them.

Now on the other hand, the other girl that is "absolutely dying" (as she says) to meet me is a whole different beast. Not only is she ugly, she likes country music and can't even spell. That would be enough for me to not even to look at the person, but since I'm doing this to be a complete asshole and for my seven readers' amusement, she sounds like the girl for me. She's like a perfect match, if you would say so. I have nothing in common with this girl, the only reason I even clicked on her ad is because it said "Looking for a Cowboy" and she had a picture. Yes, I am that selective it comes to clicking on personal ads. Hook me with something tempting and shit, I'm in. However, this girl is something else. I can't tell if she's retarded, lazy, or just fucking dumb. It might be any of those, but who knows, it could be all three.

For instance, I told the girl that I was a swim coach since she asked what I did for a living. Not the greatest career in the world, but it makes better money than being a temp or waiting tables. Instead of explaining her response, I'll simply copy and paste:
"What pool are you working at there is a pool over hear and omg the people are rich and think there shit doesn't stink is it in bethesda??? And if it is in bethesda and off of macarher then lol 2 of the boys are mine i nanny them!"
Woman, what the fuck did you say? I think you said about six or seven separate thoughts, but I can't tell since there are only two freaking sentences. And I honestly don't care about the kids you nanny. Yeah, you think you're hot shit since you nanny them, but you can't spell a lick...Not the greatest role model I'd want my kids to be like. Plus, I have had enough interaction with kids already in my life to make me not want them, and if I did, their lives would not be pretty. Let me continue on with the e-mail. Like all of the e-mails that I send to my ladies, I ask them the four people that they would invite to dinner (living or dead, real or fake, doesn't matter). While some people answered with intelligent responses such as Oscar Wilde or JFK, this woman has decided to have a nice family reunion at dinner, as shown below:
"Now for dinner, I would say my dad he died when I was 13 so I would like to show him how I've turned out even more messed up then he hoped lol! Then my mom's mom jan even thou I never got to meet her i hear the most wonderful things about hr and everyone says I am just like her! and when i was little I called her jam i couldn't say n's very well! My mom I havn't seen her in over a year just be nice to talk! Oh and Dessalee lol the person I was named after!"

My point exactly. Here's to not losing my sanity in the week, or even my life.

Jeopardy Update

Last week, Jeopardy hosted its annual College Championship where the best and brightest from some of the finest institutions that this nation has to offer, for a chance to win cash and other assorted prizes. However, I never got the memo that my school, a school known for its inferior academic reputation, had a student on the program. I knew the girl my freshman year and from my few interactions with her, she did not seem like the sharpest tool in shed. Case in point: She defriended me on Facebook soon after I met the girl. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps I wasn't the person I portray myself to be on social networking sites when she first added me as a friend. Or maybe it was because she was trying to get freaky with my roommate who managed to get himself nearly kicked out of college in the matter of six weeks. There's a million different reasons for why these things happen, but she's pretty fucking dumb in my book. She obviously made that known to Mr. Trebek and the rest of the world, as she didn't advance very far in tournament.

But the point is this people: Jeopardy is now looking for entrants in next year's College Championship and are offering an online test for those interested. Of course, with my vast knowledge of things that are useless and weird, I am applying to be on the Championship. Granted, my odds are incredibly slim, since there are college students out there that are much smart than I am and I will probably miss the test like I did last time. Hopefully, that won't happen, as I will not endure any more waiting for my stardom on syndicated television shows. Suck it, Trebek. I'm coming and this time, I won't be taking any prisoners.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach

As some of you may know already, I have been hired to be a swim coach this summer. While becoming a swim coach in the summer before I graduate college isn't the smartest move in the world, it was something that I wanted to do. Getting a job and working in the "real world" is all fine and dandy, but it sucks so much balls. If I got a real job this summer, I would be doing the exact same things I did last summer, where I absolutely hated my job and my life as a result. When your boss calls you "Jason the Mason" as a way to encourage you to try and fit into a jersey for a one-armed cyclist, you know you're on the wrong career track. So while I learned how to make copies, build boxes, and mail packages, I also got my fair share of having my desk moved, getting yelled at for anything, and everything else I touched, said, or did.

Knowing full well that I wasn't going to resort to being an "office bitch" for yet another summer, I was on the hunt for a new job. I got a lot of interest from places where I applied, but of course it was either one thing or another that turned me away from those jobs. As a way to make some decent money and to actually have some fun this summer, I decided to get back into coaching swimming. I had a great time when I was a coach a few years back and I really enjoyed working with kids. I taught them how to swim and many life lessons such as not shitting in the shower or exactly where to deliver that knockout punch. Fond of those memories, I applied with a few teams in my area that were in need of a swim coach, and suddenly found myself hired as a head coach within weeks. So here I am, the day before I become formally introduced as the head coach of my team, and I have my mind on one thing this season: Winning a swim meet.

So here's the deal. In my first and perhaps only season as a head coach of a swim team, I just want to win one swim meet. I don't think its that hard. I just want to experience the joy of victory just once. I don't care if my team loses the rest of our meets, I just want to win one. It's not too much to ask for, just one. We have five meets this season, so I'll take a .200 winning percentage in my career, so long as I have that one meet. And if I win that meet, I'm going to go fucking crazy. I'm going to high five everyone, scream like a child, and go apeshit over the fact that I won a meet. There's no doubt in mind I will give the other team the crotch chops an infinite number of times and tell them all to suck my dick. And then I'll take off all of my clothes and jump in the water. Something like that. Of course that will never happen because it's just a figment of my imagination and I would get arrested if I did such a thing.

However, there is a catch. I have my back against the wall this season as my team has moved up two divisions after winning their division championship last summer. We have tougher opponents this time around and they'll be looking to win after disappointing season. My team is seeded last in our division and we're supposed to finish that way this year. However, I want to shock the world. Although going 0-fer this season is par for the course, I want to do better than that and exceed expectations. I want to shock the world, in a sense. Make the impossible possible and prove everyone wrong. I've done it once before and I'm sure I can do it again. It all starts tomorrow, the quest to win a swim meet. This summer is going to be, as I would say, ballin.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Craigslist Updates

I now know why people pursue and use online dating. Because they fucking suck at life and cannot get a date to save their lives. In the week that I have browsed the Craigslist women-for-men personal ads, the assortment of ads that I have seen have ranged from women WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND YET THEY CANT SPEL A SINGEL THIGN WRITE to the women who don't want to be hurt yet again in a relationship only because the guy probably came to the conclusion that she was butt-ugly. Oh yeah, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the massive amounts of ads where fat black women have an obsession for skinny white boys such as myself. I would not be surprised if these women ate those poor young men instead of suffocating and crushing them with their massive frames.

As I write this post, I have responded to a bunch of personal ads on Craigslist and I have not gotten far with anyone. No one. Out of the many desperate people that I have contacted in the past week, I haven't gotten past the second e-mail, which may be a sign that they are not real, or they have found another man to bitch and complain to. (Don't cry for me, I'm happy that these women don't have to contact me ever again.) I'm convinced that these women on Craigslist are bots for dating websites, as many of the e-mails in response to the ones that I send are advertisements for me to try these sites. Personally, I think it's a brilliant idea that these sites do this, as a way to draw desperate love-seeking people to their site. However, it does not work for my plan, which has nothing to do with finding love, but rather breaking women's hearts and destroying any self-esteem that I have in undertaking this.

So here's the deal. I plan to complete whore myself out to the internets soon. If they're fat, skinny, bitchy, psycho, or just plain ugly, I want them. I want to take them out to a nice seafood dinner and never call them again. I want to give them the impression that I'm serious with them and then just break their heart. I want to know what it feels like to go on a date with an ugly woman with a beard or hell, a woman with a hairpiece. I'll them that their prosthetic leg is sexy and how I'll get a hard-on if they show me their stump.* The point is, I want to get this done as soon as possible and I don't want this to draw out over the summer and interfere with my life. I don't care what happens, I just want this to end.

*- No way. That is fucking disgusting and anyone should be ashamed if they like to beat it to that. Sick fuckers.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

#45: Blinddate on Craigslist

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you all what kind of girl I should date on Craigslist. Surprisingly you all responded and showed no mercy, as you all voted for me to date all of them. I know that was going to freaking happen. To even think why I put this on the list or even think about it in the first place is unfathomable. Dating on Craiglist is such a stupid idea. Craigslist is for people who can't get a date or are just looking to get high or their d wet. Hell, Craigslist isn't for me, because I have had my share of hookups/relationships in the past year, regardless of how awkward they may have been. Despite how much of a bad idea this seems to be, I cannot disappoint my readers and goddamnit, I need some amusement in my life. So over the course of the next few weeks, I will undertake the process of going on dates with a fat bitch, a Jesusfreak, a black woman, and a foreign woman. ed note: What the hell did I get myself into?

So before I begin my search, I have standards. Shocking isn't it? So when I'm doing this, I'd like to keep whatever amount of pride, if any, that I will have after this. My standards are as follows:

1) They cannot be that ugly. A little displeasing on the eyes is ok. But butt-ugly? No way. I have to understand that Craigslist is not the place for beautiful women and must accept medocrity in this case.
2) The woman must provide herself with a picture. I want to know what she looks like, so I can either recognize her or run away from her. I think that the latter is more acceptable.
3) The woman has to between the ages of 18 and 23. I don't want an old bitch who has a thing like a "career." What the fuck is that shit? Plus, I think I can better relate to a younger woman, instead o
f someone who graduated high school in 1990.
4) The woman must meet me at a neutral location. I will not pick the bitch up. I plan on ditching a couple of times since women tend to lie about their appearance and I do not expect any difference with this.
5) A date will consist of at least dinner in a neutral place. No romantic dinners at their place. No weird-ass activities that may want me to leave. I want to get to know the person.
6) I will pay only for myself. It's a tough time in the economy and I do not want to spend any more money than I have to. I will not pay for them unless we either go to McDonalds or hit up my college's dining hall so I can use my Bonus Bucks. Since school's out of the summer and it's eight hours away, that's completely out of the question. Plus, this person may be fat and could eat the whole fucking restaurant. Do you know how much that is? I don't but I'm sure I don't want to find out. Call me a cheapskate, but remember I'm the only person wh
o's willing to take your desperate ass out on a date.
7) I will return home after the date. No, I will not in for coffee so you can take advantage of me. That is not going to happen. I'm 20 years old and I still live my parents. As ballin' as that is, they show their love and affection for me by checking up on me routinely.
8) There will be no second dates. Unless they absolutely blow me away, which is unlikely.
9) No Cheesecake Factory. I am not going to let some woman ruin the fond memories that I have of my favorite restaurant.

With that being said, this is not going to go well. After browsing through the many, many personal ads on Craigslist, I do not like what I see. Living near Washington DC, one of the biggest cities in the country, you'd like to think that there would be something redeeming about one of these posts. B
ut no, there isn't. For example let me show you.

Girl #1: "Lookin for that someone"

Age: 23

You Had Me At... "He say's "Would you like to go out" what he really meant was "I want you to come with me to go to the nearest Payday Loan place and get him money."

Damn right, get that man some money. Next.

Girl #2: "Looking for a possible relationship."

Age: 19

You Had Me At..."I want someone who can tolerate an extremely lame sense of humor (me). Race means nothing to me. Religion, a bit more. I don't want a Christian-basher for a possible future boyfriend. Alcoholics, sexual deviants, liars, cheaters, and other such baggage is not welcome."

Jesus Christo! It looks like my lucky day! + 1 for looking like a total freak. Next.

Girl #3: "wife me"
Age: 19

You Had Me At..."no body over 30 pls...i dont have time fr no bitch ass ness"

I don't think I'm a "bitch ass," so she might be good enough for me. Holla.

Oh man. This is going to be fun.


At last, the drawn-out clusterfuck called college has finally ended for the summer. Thank the fucking lord. Don't get me wrong here. I love college, especially the Thursday night - Sunday morning part of it. But everything else fucking sucks about college. I fucking hated this semester, in regards to the sheer amount of work I had to do and how I found myself at the library at all times, whether it be day or night. But now that's over and I only have one freakin' semester left until I graduate (BALLIN').

Now, I'm home for the summer and a new chapter begins. No longer am I occupied by the meddlesome tasks that school leaves me with. Now, I have all of this free time on my hands, especially from now until Memorial Day, for which I do not have a job until then. Speaking of jobs, I do have a job where I love what I do and I wonder why I'm paid way too much to basically yell at children and make their lives miserable for two months. But it's great work and someone has to do it.

We've got three months here at home people. I plan on making this an enjoyable three months and I hope you guys stick along for the ride and salivate on my posts that will be few and far between.