Eureka!!!

Finally! After wasting countless hours on the abyss of life that I'd like to call Craigslist, I found not one but TWO breakthroughs this week! I have found two lucky ladies who have fallen victim to my suave e-mail correspondence and want to go on dates with me. But first, before I explain who these ladies are, at this point, I now know for a fact that women who post personal ads are Craigslist are either a) ugly, b) fat, c) batshit crazy, d) retarded, or e) all of the above. Nearly half of the e-mails I have written are complete lies and even typing how I think some girl looks sexy in her half-naked picture wearing a bra that look like something my mother would wear, made me cringe. Of course, the likely answer in all of my encounters has been e), especially with that fat bitch who told me that she wasn't going to change my diapers. Unfortunately, I forgot that woman was retarded and couldn't see the fact that I was 20 fucking years old and I can not only shit but also wipe for myself. It's amazing to see how kids grow up so fast.

The first girl I'm going on a date with isn't that bad. Honestly, she's not. She seems somewhat normal and she and I have a lot of common interests like good food, going on adventures, and drinking. Yes, drinking is an interest. Or at least I hope that's what she was referring to in her last e-mail. But (key word right there), she has two strikes against her already, and I haven't even met the girl yet. For one thing, she's very religious, something that I'm not. I can tolerate that as long as we don't spend our date going to church or taking about religion, a subject I'm not comfortable with. And the other, much worse thing, is her music tastes. Her favorite band is Creed. Enough said, I don't care you bust your own rhymes or like Journey and Maroon 5, liking Creed is the ultimate kiss of death. Look, I liked Creed back in middle school until I realized that Scott Stapp is a fucking creep and all of their songs were about God. She's also not very attractive, but I'm not going to count that against her, because I knew that the quality of women coming into this were lacking.

But anyway, her name is the name of a Clapton song and hopefully if things go well, I could serenade her with my very own rendition of it. Unlikely, yes, but you never know. She's 21 and she's studying to be a missionary. It's very interesting to do such a thing, to help people better their lives, as long as she doesn't do this or impose the will of God on them.

Now on the other hand, the other girl that is "absolutely dying" (as she says) to meet me is a whole different beast. Not only is she ugly, she likes country music and can't even spell. That would be enough for me to not even to look at the person, but since I'm doing this to be a complete asshole and for my seven readers' amusement, she sounds like the girl for me. She's like a perfect match, if you would say so. I have nothing in common with this girl, the only reason I even clicked on her ad is because it said "Looking for a Cowboy" and she had a picture. Yes, I am that selective it comes to clicking on personal ads. Hook me with something tempting and shit, I'm in. However, this girl is something else. I can't tell if she's retarded, lazy, or just fucking dumb. It might be any of those, but who knows, it could be all three.



For instance, I told the girl that I was a swim coach since she asked what I did for a living. Not the greatest career in the world, but it makes better money than being a temp or waiting tables. Instead of explaining her response, I'll simply copy and paste:

"What pool are you working at there is a pool over hear and omg the people are rich and think there shit doesn't stink is it in bethesda??? And if it is in bethesda and off of macarher then lol 2 of the boys are mine i nanny them!"

Woman, what the fuck did you say? I think you said about six or seven separate thoughts, but I can't tell since there are only two freaking sentences. And I honestly don't care about the kids you nanny. Yeah, you think you're hot shit since you nanny them, but you can't spell a lick...Not the greatest role model I'd want my kids to be like. Plus, I have had enough interaction with kids already in my life to make me not want them, and if I did, their lives would not be pretty. Let me continue on with the e-mail. Like all of the e-mails that I send to my ladies, I ask them the four people that they would invite to dinner (living or dead, real or fake, doesn't matter). While some people answered with intelligent responses such as Oscar Wilde or JFK, this woman has decided to have a nice family reunion at dinner, as shown below:

"Now for dinner, I would say my dad he died when I was 13 so I would like to show him how I've turned out even more messed up then he hoped lol! Then my mom's mom jan even thou I never got to meet her i hear the most wonderful things about hr and everyone says I am just like her! and when i was little I called her jam i couldn't say n's very well! My mom I havn't seen her in over a year just be nice to talk! Oh and Dessalee lol the person I was named after!"

My point exactly. Here's to not losing my sanity in the week, or even my life.

#64: Learn a Dance (part II)

As you may have read in previous entries, I'm taking a shagging class this semester in a futile attempt to learn how to dance. After the many instances in which I have thoroughly embarassed myself at proms, semi-formals, and other organized dances, I figured that learning how to dance may be of great use before my friends get married and see this atrocious act. Taking shagging may have been the worst sober decision that I have made at school and I regret it every Monday night. (Yes, I have made so many drunk decisions while in college that will eventually be told at some point.)

So when I signed up for the class, I thought that I was going to dick around for the two hour classes, meet some girls, and hopefully learn some sweet dance moves. However, the lack of coordination that has led me to become such a bad dancer in the first place is the main reason as to why I fucking blow at shagging. Case in point: We had to dance with partners in front of the whole class last week. Each girl had to pick a guy to dance with and they would dance to a random song that the instructor would select. Of course, all of the attractive girls who knew how to dance picked the guys who could shimmy, shake, and all that jazz. Girl after girl kept passing on me for these fucking tools who could dance until the girl who dressed and danced like my dead grandmother ended up with this dance machine. Dancing with her is not that bad, except for the fact that she sways her head to the rhythm like she’s a fucking pendulum, and she counts the beats out loud while the song is playing. SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN. No one else is counting the beats and neither should you. but she has two left feet.

Another thing that I learned from taking this is class is that I have to make my public shagging debut in downtown Columbia at the end of April. Oh shit. I'm fucking terrified of the notion of people who shag watch me dance horribly and I have this recurring thought that I'm really going to fuck this thing up in front of everyone. So yeah, if you want to see me make a complete fool of myself, then come to this debut. It will be so awesome to the point that you don't even know.

Despite my bad dancing and ugly shag partners, the best part of shagging is the ELECTRIC SLIDE. The ELECTRIC SLIDE IS THE BALLS FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT AWARE OF ITS SHEER GREATNESS. Every pool party in my childhood was always capped off with parents and kids doing the boogie-woogie-woogie-woo on the dancefloor. So when something as awesome as the Electric Slide comes on, I can't help but to let loose and get busy on the dancefloor.Last week during class, I learned that shag clubs actually play the Electric Slide, so I convinced my instructor to let us do the Electric Slide in class. To say the least, it was ballin'. If my debut consists of doing the Electric Slide, then it could quite possibly be the best thing ever. Here's to wishful thinking.