#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach

Instead of having this drag out all season or not even come to fruition at all, it only took my second meet to notch the first coaching win in my belt. We scored a major upset today, as we beat the top-seeded team in our division by 40 points. It was a very impressive win for us today, considered we were seeded dead last going into the season. I'm quite proud of my swimmers and they laid it all out on the line today for us.

I honestly could get into more details about the meet, but I must say that winning feels so good and makes any problems that you have dissipate. As I wrote previously about when I won my first meet, I was going to jump in the water and give the opposing coach the crotch chops, none of that happened. There was no ill will as we had one of those postgame handshake lines that you used to do after youth basketball games. It's looked so cheesy and corny, and it pales in comparison to the crotch crops. My swimmers did indeed throw me into the water, and I'm sure that they were very happy to do so. They deserved it. They've worked hard in the past few weeks and should bask in their moment of glory. It hasn't really hit me yet, so I'm kind of at a loss for words. I also lost my voice today and currently sound like a frog, so that might have something to do with being speechless. Hopefully, we can pull together another win next week, but we'll see.

Catfight 2K8

So in my last post, I wrote about a good friend of mine who had fallen out of favor because of his Facebook profile, not to mention his other shenanigans. I was going to defriend him on Facebook because I was tired of reading his shit on my news feed about how he was bitching and complaining. When I'm on Facebook, I want to know about juicy shit, like wall-to-wall conversations and relationship status changes, not status updates about how fucked up someone's life is. It's mildly entertaining for a time but after three years of this shit continually popping up on my Facebook, it has become quite a problem. And when you have a problem, you usually fix it, which is what I did. Yes, I defriended him. As much as it pains me to cut off connections to the guy, I don't want this fucker to ruin my Facebook experience. I decided that this was the instance to finally grow some balls and man up. This is CATFIGHT 2K8 PEOPLE!!!

In one corner, there was me: the person was tired of this person's shit and ready to react. I was going to float like a butterfly with my big words and sting like a bee with my verbal barbs. This wasn't stuff for kids anymore, like our previous struggles had been, this was a full-on war. I have three years of college under my belt and a vocabulary that would make any novelist blush. Plus, I had an arsenal of curse words to fly out, if I ever showed any signs of frustration-aggression syndrome.

In the other corner, was my friend: a whiny bitch. He was on a mission to attract sympathy and attention from others from his constant cries of "wolf" and the ever-so-popular "I'm lonely and I haven't seen you in forever, so let's hang out" card. In addition to his bitching and whining, he was never a great friend, as he always backed out of hanging with his friends whenever he was home, to butter up his "ladyfriends." Not to mention he also sucks at basketball, as he once received a standing ovation for making a free throw, his only point of the entire season.

Round 1: My friend wrote a rant on Facebook a few weeks that touched on controversial subjects. I finally had the balls to stand up to and comment on, calling him a complete hypocrite. He was writing about things that he never does. Treating ladies with respect? Please, son. All he ever did was scare them away with his unwanted advances of "hanging out" and countless references to them as "sweetie," "dearie," and my favorite, "sugarpie." I was being completely honest about it, for I felt that he was bullshitting his readers. (Score 1-0 the J-Man)

Round 2: Since I wrote some negative things about his rant, my friend isn't going to let me get away with the devastating early blow. He fires back with a quick response to me, saying "You don't know me and you think you can know me after not talking to me in months. Uh huh." Something like that. I would love to tell you what he wrote, but I deleted it from my wall, because I'm not going to take shit like that. I've known that person for years and I know him better than he knows himself. (Score 2-1 the J-Man's in the lead)

Round 3: Since my friend had the decency of taking this battle to the walls of our Facebook profiles, I figured that it would only be fitting to return the favor. Of course, being the bitch that he is, he blocked my access to his wall, so I couldn't respond. I resorted to send him a message, explaining to him that I may not know who he is, but if he can't take honest criticism, then he shouldn't post anything for people to see. And with that, I defriended him. Suck it. (3-2)

Round 4: In a futile attempt to regain some decency, he blocks me, which makes absolutely no sense, especially when I can't see his profile anyway. Nice try, tool. (3-3, I'll give him one for effort)

So that's how it went down. Who won? You decide.

Ed. Note: I mean, of course, I could defriend him without the shenigans that transpired above, but what's starting shit without some controversy and fireworks? This is so much more exciting than clicking on a link. If you think I'm wrong in any way and have beef for the way this occurred, then you probably don't understand and have a friend like this, yet refuse to see it. It's not about losing a friend, but rather cutting dead weight out of my life. As harsh that seems, its the truth. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do for sake of doing it, even if it's not popular and not the best option.

Fuck Anyone Named Stephen

After much correspondence via e-mail, the girl and I finally decided to meet up. Even though I do have apprehensions about this, especially with her being extremely religious and not very attractive, I decided to go through it anyway, since I was the one who brought up the idea of meeting up. I stupidly gave her my phone number and yesterday, I awoke to a "good morning! :-)" text from her. I suddenly thought that going out with her was probably the highlight of her day, while it was probably fourth or fifth for me, behind coaching, going to the gym, making a ballin' rap/techno mix, and watching paint dry on walls. I could bore you on the details of how the story kept going, but all that happened was a series of texts between her and I, which made my feelings about this progressively worse. I know, boring shit.

The date itself wasn't bad. It wasn't good either, which doesn't really tell you much. It was a weird date. Although I tried and tried and tried to convince myself to back out of this while I could, I followed through with the date. Not to say that I attempted to cancel, by playing the "I don't know where it is, so I can't come" card. I've had people cancel on me before, shit, I even had once girl lie about the fact that her aunt was dead so she could leave. It would only be fitting if I were to return such a favor. However, that was quickly shot down as she texted me the address of the place, which thwarted my plans. I mean I like to say that I'm a man of my word, but when it comes to women and dating, I'm very picky and will backtrack to force my way out of things.

I orignially thought the date was between her and I, just a nice little romantic dinner between the two of us where we would eat, get to know each other, and go our separate ways. But no, that's never the case. After parking my car in Northwest, paying some dude $20 with the hope that my car won't get broken into, and briskly walking towards the restaurant, I see her. However, she's not by herself, she's standing with two other people. The texts I ignored during the car ride came back to bite my in the ass, as one them included "is it cool if i bring my friends?" Obviously, it was too late to say FUCK NO, but you have to go with what you can. Apparently, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I finally met with the girl, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend, Stephen.

Now I mentioned Stephen's name, because I fucking hate him. Stephen is the epitome of everything I do not like about people in the world. He is fat, a complete tool, a fucking nerd, speaks with annoying lisp, and thinks he is hot shit. Stephen is the guy on the right in the picture, because he kept his Facebook profile public like a real asshole would. (Suck it.) I would have smacked him for some of the things that he said, but that would not have worked out so well, because Stephen was once in the Air Force. At the restaurant in which we ate at, there was a booth where there is a small table that is surrounded by large cushions and looks rather scenic. Once we enter the restaurant, Stephen comes up with the bright idea for us to sit at the booth.

Yes, it was a great idea at the time, but no one would have expected poor Stephen to break a sweat slurping his soup. Once he gets his Tortilla Soup from the waiter, Stephen begins to perspire as if we're in the middle of the desert. Of course, we moved, so that the poor man would not soak himself in sweat during the course of eating. Stephen was not feeling much better now that he was away from the blazing hot lights of the booth. He finishes his soup and randomly decides that he is going to mix the salsa and queso that we ordered separately, into the same bowl. Without consulting the rest of our table, Stephen is proactive and proceed to dump the entire bowl of salsa in the piping-hot container of queso. Great idea once again, Stephen. It's too bad that I didn't like my salsa and cheese mixed together because I was eating some damn good chips.

The girl and I finally begin to talk to each other and things seem to be going well. That is, until Stephen interjects and starts talking about himself. I can't remember what he was saying for the life of me, but it sounded really important because he was making all of these crazy arm movements and was still sweating profusely. It felt like I was talking to an animal the whole night, because I couldn't understand the guy with his lisp and he made really spastic movements like a retard. Oh yeah and then there was that one time he got really excited about something and the next thing I knew, spit flew onto my burrito. Thanks Stephen, I bet you were hoping that I didn't see that. But I did dumbfuck. Don't think you got away with that shit.

Speaking of Stephens, I fucking hate all Stephens. For instance, I'm watching TRL (don't ask why) and the fan of the week's name is Stephen. He's from Canada, was probably dropped as a baby, and is a complete tool. The rest of date wasn't worth mentioning, which leads me to believe that the girl is incredibly boring. I was invited to hang out with them after dinner, but of course, doing so would result in me hurting Stephen. Fuck Stephen. I fucking hate him.

#64: Learn a Dance (part IV)

Finally! I have learned a motherfucking dance. After wasting my Monday nights, learning the same repetitive moves, and listening to music that makes my ears bleed, I'd like to think I successfully passed the shagging course that I took this semester. I'd like to think so because I just had my debut last night, but whether or not I pass Intro to Shag remains to be seen.

The reason I'd like to say I've passed my Shagging Class is because I had my debut last night. Yes, that debut that was long awaited by me and what I publicized multiple times on this very site. Well, it happened and it pretty much went without a hitch. It was nothing like I expected. Instead of the glaring lights and everyone watching me dance with some ugly bitch, I was dancing on the floor with a bunch of other people, having a good time.

But there was a slight problem with the debut last night. My debut happened to occur at the same time as the Game 3 of the Cavaliers-Wizards series. I understand the first two games were duds from the perspective of a Wizards fan such as myself, but the thrashing that the Wizards incurred on the Cavs and LeBron last night made me so happy. Upon hearing that the Wizards were winning by 25 in the third quarter, I promptly left the dancefloor to go watch my beloved Wizards destroy LeBron. I'm not a big fan of shagging, and I couldn't really give a fuck about it especially when my team is beating the living crap out the team and player that I despise the most. I stayed and watched the game until my friends arrived. By the way, thank you all who showed up, you know you are, and I really appreciate it.

And now, upon the completion of learning how to shag, the days of me having two left feet are long gone baby. Watch out world, because this guy (me) is a dance machine who is a force to be reckoned with. Bring any lady my way, and I'm sure I will be able to seduce her with my amazing dance skills. But the point is that the Wizards > shagging, every fucking time, no matter what.

With that being said, I now have 8 out the 99 things on my list completed. It's a start and hopefully, with summer, things on the list will start to get done instead of being incessantly talked about.