I left you all last time with a goal for me to stop talking like my roommate. His constant idiosyncrasies, gestures, and phrases that make a three year old sound like Thomas Edison or even Albert Einstein had taken a toll on me. It was time for me to see the light and venture away from words that had become so commonplace such as "ballin," "bo," and "beatin it." Let me tell you that it's been a long, hard road to recovery. I won't say that trying not to speak like a seven year old has been paved with gold and smelled like roses, but it hasn't been that bad. Talking like a real, normal human being hasn't really helped me get ladies in the sack (like I said it would, stupid me) or anything awesome like that, but I'd like to think that I'm working on it right now. It will happen in due time I guess. Since I've made this proclamation about two weeks ago, I'd like to think that I've been pretty good. Or so I think. There are times where I do have random urges to say these words, but for the most part I've been under control.
With that being said, I have hit some bumps on the road. There have been at least two instances that constantly occur where I struggle to abstain from speaking like Kyle. One happens when I'm watching football with my friends and the other happens when I get drunk. Granted, I do revert back to "Suck it" or some derogatory phrase like that whenever I want to make fun of someone but "suck it" is a phrase that someone truly deserves when they earn it. Anyway, whenever I'm watching football with my friends (Kyle included), we tend to sound like a bunch of retarded cavemen whenever any significant event such as a touchdown, fumble, or interception occurs. I can't help it to be honest. When 10 other guys are saying "ballin'," then you're more inclined to say it, regardless of any premontions that you have against it. Since football season has started, the past two Sundays have been filled with Kyle's words. It's almost as if he's putting words in mouth, but sadly that's not the case. My fantasy team has been pretty nasty, only helping my case to achieve item #33: Win a Fantasy Football Championship on my 99things list. So in the case of football, I think that it's definitely worth it, so long as I continue my winning ways. Here's to hoping.
The other time in which I use my roommate's sayings uncontrollably is when I'm drunk. I can't really help it when I'm under the influence. It's just like second nature to me in this case. Case in point, this past Friday. I went over to a friend's house to participate in a Tour de Franzia, which everyone should participate in at some point during their adult lives. Anyway, prior to arriving at my friend's house, my use of Kyleisms had been very limted at best. I had a busy week and there was really no time to dumb myself down and talk like a child. However, that quickly changed. I arrived late and completely missed the entire tour, thanks to my friends' inability to be patient for a few extra minutes. So with missing the event, my friends were already trashed and I needed to catch up. And that's what I did, as I caught up to my friends, downing cup after cup of Franzia in an effort to get trashed. As soon as the sweet taste of that fucking cheap wine hit my lips, all my preconcieved efforts to refrain from saying Kyle's words went right out the window. From the bits and pieces I remember of that night, probably every third word I said was either a "bo," or "ballin." That tells you how much I was able to charm others of the opposite sex, when I'm stumbling around with a cup of cheap wine in my hand, sounding like a bumbling fool. I guess I deserved what was coming for me, as I managed to paint the town with my vomit, literally. Suck it, me, as my favorite bo (Kyle) would say.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
#75: Stop Talking Like My Roommate
This goal is a new one that I've created. It's not for the sake of doing something on my list, it's more of trying to rid myself of a horrible habit. You see, I have a roommate whose expressions, phrases, and general incompetence has become contagious. His name is Kyle. And yes, he is fucking annoying. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend and roommate, but this needs to stop. But in the three years that I've known him, I've been able to dumb myself down and act like him. It's something very hard, but yet I have done the impossible. His idiosyncrasies and sayings have become second nature to me. Whenever I try to make fun of or mock someone, it's Kyle's phrases that I turn to as my bread and butter. He has some great expressions that are perfect for some situations, but they're all fucking stupid. A five year old could come up with some these. So I'm breaking the habit and stopping this retarded cycle now.
The whole goal in this is simple. I want to sound smarter when I'm around others. Now that Kyle lives with me, I find myself going to the well of saying that Kyle would use too many times. Trust me, the ladies do not like it when I shake my head like a spaz or even sound like a whiny bitch. As I'm preparing to transition from college to the real world, I have to realize that not everyone thinks that Kyle's jokes are funny and perhaps there is another way to sound funny, although it might be hard to fathom.
Granted, I know that this is hard, I mean impossible, to complete. Not with saying that Kyle's vernacular or "Kyleisms" as I like to call them have corrupted my humor and sometimes make me look like a six year old. But rather the fact that Kyle is my roommate and he lives next door to me. By following through on this goal, I can no longer act like him when he tries to hit on me like a faggot (no homo), when I come into my room and find Kyle in my bed, or even anytime he does something stupid. I was able to do this before in the summer, because my parents thought I was fucking retarded whenever I said something that Kyle would say, and would refuse to acknowledge me until I sounded like a normal human being.
So for the rest of the semester, I am not allowed to say the following words/phrases:
- Bo.
- I bet.
- Suck it.
- Really?
- Seriously?
- S My D.
- Meh.
- any form of "beat it."
- shaking my head like a spaz
And the list goes on. I'm short on the all of the words he says, but I'll add them as they come to mind. This is entirely possible, but hard to do. However, it can be done and I'm confident that I'll succeed. I might slip up and there might be setbacks, but I'm comitted to the effort. We'll see what happens.
The whole goal in this is simple. I want to sound smarter when I'm around others. Now that Kyle lives with me, I find myself going to the well of saying that Kyle would use too many times. Trust me, the ladies do not like it when I shake my head like a spaz or even sound like a whiny bitch. As I'm preparing to transition from college to the real world, I have to realize that not everyone thinks that Kyle's jokes are funny and perhaps there is another way to sound funny, although it might be hard to fathom.
Granted, I know that this is hard, I mean impossible, to complete. Not with saying that Kyle's vernacular or "Kyleisms" as I like to call them have corrupted my humor and sometimes make me look like a six year old. But rather the fact that Kyle is my roommate and he lives next door to me. By following through on this goal, I can no longer act like him when he tries to hit on me like a faggot (no homo), when I come into my room and find Kyle in my bed, or even anytime he does something stupid. I was able to do this before in the summer, because my parents thought I was fucking retarded whenever I said something that Kyle would say, and would refuse to acknowledge me until I sounded like a normal human being.
So for the rest of the semester, I am not allowed to say the following words/phrases:
- Bo.
- I bet.
- Suck it.
- Really?
- Seriously?
- S My D.
- Meh.
- any form of "beat it."
- shaking my head like a spaz
And the list goes on. I'm short on the all of the words he says, but I'll add them as they come to mind. This is entirely possible, but hard to do. However, it can be done and I'm confident that I'll succeed. I might slip up and there might be setbacks, but I'm comitted to the effort. We'll see what happens.
Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back, Right?
So one of the many highlights of my summer was my 21st birthday. As an only child that was constantly suppressed by my parents, my 21st birthday was going to be something amazing. Incredible would be another way to describe as it would be filled with drinking, more drinking, and hopefully scoring with a random chick. At least that's what I hoped. It never works out that way.
After spending my actual 21st birthday doing nothing but work and volleyball, I had to wait until the end of my swim season to finally celebrate. I went big with the 21st birthday. I set up an event on Facebook, invited everyone I thought would come, and hoped for the best. However, much to my dismay, many of the people that accepted were under 21. The point of inviting them was a joke, but apparently they didn't get that. Regardless of who showed up and who didn't, the 21st birthday party was still off the chain.
I first went with a few of my friends out to a driving range, drinking some brews and hitting some golf balls. I know I sound like a faggot when I wrote that, but its the truth. It felt really empowering to order beers. Especially when I was asked to display my ID. That feeling that I had every time I cracked open my wallet and flashed it was incredible. Anyway, back to the story. I spent a good amount of money at the driving range, picking up the tab as we heading into downtown DC for the rest of the night.
My friends and I went to Rhino Bar in Georgetown and details after that were very sketchy. Drinks by the handful were getting bought for me and of course, I was pounding them down. But the one thing that I do remember is an amazing story. I was on the bottom floor of the two-story bar with my friend from school, buying drinks for some friends. Suddenly, a nice-looking, sophisticated girl was looking my way and began to talk to me. For it being my first time out in Georgetown, I was quite impressed with myself that a lady began to talk to me. My friend and I began to talk to her and her friend, hoping for the best. When it seemed that her friend wasn't interested, I shifted my attention to the one who was giving me the time of day, not to mention the one with the bigger breasts.
I kept talking to this girl and eventually drank the drinks that I ordered for my friends. Being the stubborn person that I am, my goal that night was to try and get with this girl. Granted I do think with my crotch more than my brain when I'm intoxicated, but damnit I was trying. Some of the pickup lines I was using were like this:
"I may be 21 but I'm all man, baby."
"It's ok if you take advantage of me, I won't mind."
"What happened to your chopsticks?" (Not really.)
I was thinking that I was getting somewhere with these lines when she took me out on the dancefloor. I was feeling pretty good when I was dancing with this fine-ass chick, with boobs that were so big that she had to stop dancing every five minutes to adjust herself. I was freaking it with her since I was hammered, throwing my cautions to the wind. I didn't really care at that point if my friends were looking at me, I was trying hard to get what I wanted. However, shaking my ass like I've got junk in my trunk got nowhere. The next thing I know, some black guy comes in a steals my woman from here and promptly grinds his crotch and gyrates against her ass. It looked a lot like the picture below:
It was all of a sudden. In a moment's time, I went from "Big Pimpin" to "Sleeping Alone Tonight." Damnit, I was so mad. I had convinced my drunken self that she may have been with a black dude before, prompting me to text my friends the question "Is it true that once you go black, you never go back?" I don't know the answers I got back or even what compelled me to do such a thing. My memories of the night are fuzzy at this point, with exception of puking all over my DD's car. I clearly remember upchucking on 395 on the way home.
So here's the thing about the whole post. I know it was a long and boring story, and you probably didn't enjoy it. Is this myth true? I don't hate the guy, he had the same goal in mind that I had. But just the way he came in and seemingly swooped the girl away from me made me realize that maybe my moves aren't hip enough or even my neophytic ways in urban nightlife caught up with me. So readers, answer this? Is it true that once you go black, you never go back, right?
After spending my actual 21st birthday doing nothing but work and volleyball, I had to wait until the end of my swim season to finally celebrate. I went big with the 21st birthday. I set up an event on Facebook, invited everyone I thought would come, and hoped for the best. However, much to my dismay, many of the people that accepted were under 21. The point of inviting them was a joke, but apparently they didn't get that. Regardless of who showed up and who didn't, the 21st birthday party was still off the chain.
I first went with a few of my friends out to a driving range, drinking some brews and hitting some golf balls. I know I sound like a faggot when I wrote that, but its the truth. It felt really empowering to order beers. Especially when I was asked to display my ID. That feeling that I had every time I cracked open my wallet and flashed it was incredible. Anyway, back to the story. I spent a good amount of money at the driving range, picking up the tab as we heading into downtown DC for the rest of the night.
My friends and I went to Rhino Bar in Georgetown and details after that were very sketchy. Drinks by the handful were getting bought for me and of course, I was pounding them down. But the one thing that I do remember is an amazing story. I was on the bottom floor of the two-story bar with my friend from school, buying drinks for some friends. Suddenly, a nice-looking, sophisticated girl was looking my way and began to talk to me. For it being my first time out in Georgetown, I was quite impressed with myself that a lady began to talk to me. My friend and I began to talk to her and her friend, hoping for the best. When it seemed that her friend wasn't interested, I shifted my attention to the one who was giving me the time of day, not to mention the one with the bigger breasts.
I kept talking to this girl and eventually drank the drinks that I ordered for my friends. Being the stubborn person that I am, my goal that night was to try and get with this girl. Granted I do think with my crotch more than my brain when I'm intoxicated, but damnit I was trying. Some of the pickup lines I was using were like this:
"I may be 21 but I'm all man, baby."
"It's ok if you take advantage of me, I won't mind."
"What happened to your chopsticks?" (Not really.)
I was thinking that I was getting somewhere with these lines when she took me out on the dancefloor. I was feeling pretty good when I was dancing with this fine-ass chick, with boobs that were so big that she had to stop dancing every five minutes to adjust herself. I was freaking it with her since I was hammered, throwing my cautions to the wind. I didn't really care at that point if my friends were looking at me, I was trying hard to get what I wanted. However, shaking my ass like I've got junk in my trunk got nowhere. The next thing I know, some black guy comes in a steals my woman from here and promptly grinds his crotch and gyrates against her ass. It looked a lot like the picture below:
It was all of a sudden. In a moment's time, I went from "Big Pimpin" to "Sleeping Alone Tonight." Damnit, I was so mad. I had convinced my drunken self that she may have been with a black dude before, prompting me to text my friends the question "Is it true that once you go black, you never go back?" I don't know the answers I got back or even what compelled me to do such a thing. My memories of the night are fuzzy at this point, with exception of puking all over my DD's car. I clearly remember upchucking on 395 on the way home.
So here's the thing about the whole post. I know it was a long and boring story, and you probably didn't enjoy it. Is this myth true? I don't hate the guy, he had the same goal in mind that I had. But just the way he came in and seemingly swooped the girl away from me made me realize that maybe my moves aren't hip enough or even my neophytic ways in urban nightlife caught up with me. So readers, answer this? Is it true that once you go black, you never go back, right?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Top 10 of Summer 2008 (YAY)
At the request of a loyal commenter who apparently has had enough of my shit (and my lack of updating), I'm officially going back to the grind. Now, summer is over and I'm back at school, so I can no longer use lame excuses about how I'm tired or that I have things to do. So now there's really no excuse for me not to update. So here I am, writing again. Before we get back to my list of 99 things to do before I turn 30, by the way, which I only did two of this summer (Go me!), let me recap my summer, by a top 10 list of memorable moments.
10. Weekend Trip to the Lake.
I spent the night in a car since people don't understand the meaning of "going to bed."
9. Speeding Ticket
Went 53 in a 40. Big deal. I'm sure that the officer was hating on my red 2007 Corolla. Suck it, cop. You drive a Crown Victoria.
8. Broken Tooth
Stopwatch hits my face and cause me to break my tooth in half. Thanks 5 year old ball of mischief, you'll burn in hell for this.
7. Broken Arm
My dad broke his arm this summer. It sucked since he was in the hosptial for a week, but he'll be fine in a few months.
6. Coaches' 100 IM
After talking shit to one of my coaches in practice one day, he challenges me to a race and beats me. However, I would have the last laugh as I smoked him by 5 seconds a week later in the 100 IM
5. The Superhero Falls
Note to self: Never, ever run towards little kids dressed as Batman. You can't see and they'll more than likely punch you in the nuts and beat you to a pulp.
4. Greg Young's Prom Date
I found a prom date for my friend Greg. And he ended up winning prom king. It is probably one of my proudest accomplishments of my life. If only I could get a plaque of it and put it on my wall.
3. Dating Craigslist Girls
You can read the posts. If I had to sum it up in two words: NEVER AGAIN.
2. 21st Birthday
I'll explain this in my next post, because it needs to be mentioned. But it was an amazing night and my Mom cooked a bangin' breakfast the next morning.
1. Swim Coaching
Absolutely loved it. Wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world.
Yeah, so that was my summer. Now back to finishing this list.
10. Weekend Trip to the Lake.
I spent the night in a car since people don't understand the meaning of "going to bed."
9. Speeding Ticket
Went 53 in a 40. Big deal. I'm sure that the officer was hating on my red 2007 Corolla. Suck it, cop. You drive a Crown Victoria.
8. Broken Tooth
Stopwatch hits my face and cause me to break my tooth in half. Thanks 5 year old ball of mischief, you'll burn in hell for this.
7. Broken Arm
My dad broke his arm this summer. It sucked since he was in the hosptial for a week, but he'll be fine in a few months.
6. Coaches' 100 IM
After talking shit to one of my coaches in practice one day, he challenges me to a race and beats me. However, I would have the last laugh as I smoked him by 5 seconds a week later in the 100 IM
5. The Superhero Falls
Note to self: Never, ever run towards little kids dressed as Batman. You can't see and they'll more than likely punch you in the nuts and beat you to a pulp.
4. Greg Young's Prom Date
I found a prom date for my friend Greg. And he ended up winning prom king. It is probably one of my proudest accomplishments of my life. If only I could get a plaque of it and put it on my wall.
3. Dating Craigslist Girls
You can read the posts. If I had to sum it up in two words: NEVER AGAIN.
2. 21st Birthday
I'll explain this in my next post, because it needs to be mentioned. But it was an amazing night and my Mom cooked a bangin' breakfast the next morning.
1. Swim Coaching
Absolutely loved it. Wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world.
Yeah, so that was my summer. Now back to finishing this list.
Friday, August 8, 2008
This Thing Still Works?!?!?
Yeah, so those posts that I promised you all, that never happened. In fact, it never got off the ground. I was going to give you guys a little "somethin somethin" to chew over in the sweltering heat, but I never got around to that. Obviously, my job was wayyyyy more important than writing in this shit that no one reads. But now its over and we're t-minus one week until I start my last semester at school. Since I have no work whatsoever and school is starting soon, I imagine I'll be writing in this more often, but we'll see. Also, to those who have been constantly refreshing their pages for the last five weeks in hopes of me writing a post, then I'm sorry. However, you should win something for your due diligence.
Now that I've been gone forever, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself now. As some of you may (or may not) know, I'm Jason, and this blog is a literary adventure about a life list I aspire to complete before I turn 30. Hence the title and the whole purpose of this site. There. I feel much better now about that.
Shit, it's 1:30 on Saturday morning and it's time that I get off this and get a fucking life. Or go to sleep, since my Mom has been keeping tabs on me all summer long. What a great parent. And so with that, I'll be back soon. I promise. I won't leave you in the car like last time.
Now that I've been gone forever, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself now. As some of you may (or may not) know, I'm Jason, and this blog is a literary adventure about a life list I aspire to complete before I turn 30. Hence the title and the whole purpose of this site. There. I feel much better now about that.
Shit, it's 1:30 on Saturday morning and it's time that I get off this and get a fucking life. Or go to sleep, since my Mom has been keeping tabs on me all summer long. What a great parent. And so with that, I'll be back soon. I promise. I won't leave you in the car like last time.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
#51: Win a Swim Meet as a Head Coach
Instead of having this drag out all season or not even come to fruition at all, it only took my second meet to notch the first coaching win in my belt. We scored a major upset today, as we beat the top-seeded team in our division by 40 points. It was a very impressive win for us today, considered we were seeded dead last going into the season. I'm quite proud of my swimmers and they laid it all out on the line today for us.
I honestly could get into more details about the meet, but I must say that winning feels so good and makes any problems that you have dissipate. As I wrote previously about when I won my first meet, I was going to jump in the water and give the opposing coach the crotch chops, none of that happened. There was no ill will as we had one of those postgame handshake lines that you used to do after youth basketball games. It's looked so cheesy and corny, and it pales in comparison to the crotch crops. My swimmers did indeed throw me into the water, and I'm sure that they were very happy to do so. They deserved it. They've worked hard in the past few weeks and should bask in their moment of glory. It hasn't really hit me yet, so I'm kind of at a loss for words. I also lost my voice today and currently sound like a frog, so that might have something to do with being speechless. Hopefully, we can pull together another win next week, but we'll see.
I'm Not Dead
I'm back. I'd thought I never see the day. After taking a brief hiatus, I'd like to say that I've returned. It was probably more you and than me, as an e-mail popped up in my inbox saying that someone suggested that I should post something. So reader, I am here to save the day and to give you "something." You must realize that this isn't a type of blog that I'm going to update everyday. Unlike most bloggers, I do have a life and I'm not willing to compromise it so I can tell about this one time I did a kegstand. Bear with me, people. I preach patience in this case, for you might not like the spontaneous and irregular posts now, but you will be rewarded with good material in the future.
But readers and friends, there hasn't been much worth mentioning lately. Work has consumed me and pretty much ruins my entire life. It's fun and very rewarding, but the hours suck and it seems as if I only talk about swimming. That's all people ever ask about, "how's your team doing?" or "have you won a meet yet?" I wish I could ask them the same about how they're treating their herpes infection but of course, that's completely inappropriate and just plain wrong. Sure, I could talk about the many adventures of my coaching job, but half of those stories would consist of a nine year old who's amazingly talented but has a habit of slapping ass of both boys and girls, and how little girls are my nuts all of the time. And I know if I became one of those coaches that are still coaching when they're 40, then I'm sure I'll be the lead story on Chris Hansen's "To Catch a Predator" in a couple of years. But then again, I met a coach from another team who's like 35, and he looked like a fucking loser.
Other than that, I got really wasted on Saturday night. It was my friend's 21st birthday party and I proceeded to drink myself into a slow death with a medley of shots, beers, and God knows what else. I somehow managed to make it home before I proceeded to pass out in the living room, after spraying vomit all over the refrigerator and kitchen sink. Let me just say that Mom was not too happy to see her son dry heaving on the floor at three in the morning. But yeah, that's what I've done lately.
In regards to my life list, I haven't actively pursued it. Since the Craigslist date with that girl (yes, I ended up going on a second date, and she doesn't seem that bad). I don't think we have the same intentions, as I don't envision her to be a freak in the sheets and she doesn't envision me to praise higher powers. But she's fun and I have a good time with her. Luckily, she's in Honduras for the next six weeks (thank the fucking lord), so I have that much more time to come up with so many reasons to get in her pants. (haha not really). But I did complete one of my goals today, which is saying something. I'll post about that later.
Although, I'm up to my ears in coaching stuff, I will make this promise to you ladies and gents. I promise to try and update as much as possible. I'm not going to give you any filler, I want to put my best foot forward to you all since you deserve that. So I'll try. I'll put some more effort into this. Stay with me, people, as my writings will entertain throughly. I can assure you that.
But readers and friends, there hasn't been much worth mentioning lately. Work has consumed me and pretty much ruins my entire life. It's fun and very rewarding, but the hours suck and it seems as if I only talk about swimming. That's all people ever ask about, "how's your team doing?" or "have you won a meet yet?" I wish I could ask them the same about how they're treating their herpes infection but of course, that's completely inappropriate and just plain wrong. Sure, I could talk about the many adventures of my coaching job, but half of those stories would consist of a nine year old who's amazingly talented but has a habit of slapping ass of both boys and girls, and how little girls are my nuts all of the time. And I know if I became one of those coaches that are still coaching when they're 40, then I'm sure I'll be the lead story on Chris Hansen's "To Catch a Predator" in a couple of years. But then again, I met a coach from another team who's like 35, and he looked like a fucking loser.
Other than that, I got really wasted on Saturday night. It was my friend's 21st birthday party and I proceeded to drink myself into a slow death with a medley of shots, beers, and God knows what else. I somehow managed to make it home before I proceeded to pass out in the living room, after spraying vomit all over the refrigerator and kitchen sink. Let me just say that Mom was not too happy to see her son dry heaving on the floor at three in the morning. But yeah, that's what I've done lately.
In regards to my life list, I haven't actively pursued it. Since the Craigslist date with that girl (yes, I ended up going on a second date, and she doesn't seem that bad). I don't think we have the same intentions, as I don't envision her to be a freak in the sheets and she doesn't envision me to praise higher powers. But she's fun and I have a good time with her. Luckily, she's in Honduras for the next six weeks (thank the fucking lord), so I have that much more time to come up with so many reasons to get in her pants. (haha not really). But I did complete one of my goals today, which is saying something. I'll post about that later.
Although, I'm up to my ears in coaching stuff, I will make this promise to you ladies and gents. I promise to try and update as much as possible. I'm not going to give you any filler, I want to put my best foot forward to you all since you deserve that. So I'll try. I'll put some more effort into this. Stay with me, people, as my writings will entertain throughly. I can assure you that.
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