#32 Win a Fantasy Football Championship

First of all, I understand it's not football season. It's March and football won't even begin for another five months. But here at 99thingsbefore30, it's always football season. Football in the summer, football in the winter, football all the time. Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, one of my goals before I reach the age of 30 is to win a fantasy football championship. This isn't just any fantasy football championship where I join a random league on Yahoo and take my team to the top. It's not that simple. This is for all the marbles. This is the only league that matters and the only championship that ever matters, the one where I wasted many weekend afternoon and nights painstakingly watching football games that I do not give a shit about. This is about winning the fantasy football league that I have with my friends at school.

Yeah, winning a fantasy football championship, easy task. No way, not so fast. It's not that easy. It's not easy when you have 9 other guys against you who are all staking their claim to being the best in the league. Like Newton said, every action has a reaction. In this league, that's always the case, as every game-winning touchdown depicts an image where you have one person celebrating with excessive joy, while his opponent is crushed by a figurative blow to his hopes of winning. It's like this every week, every Sunday and Monday when dreams go to die and hope rarely spring eternal. It's very interesting to watch how 10 grown men can react so feverishly to events that bear little significance on the rest of their lives, but unbearable to experience.

You see, my friends and I have been involved in this 10-team league for the past two years. And I have not won in either of these two years. Instead, my friend Danny has unfortunately taken the prize in BOTH FREAKING years. I congratulate him on a job well done but it is time for him to be dethroned from his championship reign. With that being said, I plan to win it all next year. If not, then the year after next. And if that doesn't happen yet again, then I will win by the time I turn 30 fo sho.

#64: Learn a Dance (part II)

As you may have read in previous entries, I'm taking a shagging class this semester in a futile attempt to learn how to dance. After the many instances in which I have thoroughly embarassed myself at proms, semi-formals, and other organized dances, I figured that learning how to dance may be of great use before my friends get married and see this atrocious act. Taking shagging may have been the worst sober decision that I have made at school and I regret it every Monday night. (Yes, I have made so many drunk decisions while in college that will eventually be told at some point.)

So when I signed up for the class, I thought that I was going to dick around for the two hour classes, meet some girls, and hopefully learn some sweet dance moves. However, the lack of coordination that has led me to become such a bad dancer in the first place is the main reason as to why I fucking blow at shagging. Case in point: We had to dance with partners in front of the whole class last week. Each girl had to pick a guy to dance with and they would dance to a random song that the instructor would select. Of course, all of the attractive girls who knew how to dance picked the guys who could shimmy, shake, and all that jazz. Girl after girl kept passing on me for these fucking tools who could dance until the girl who dressed and danced like my dead grandmother ended up with this dance machine. Dancing with her is not that bad, except for the fact that she sways her head to the rhythm like she’s a fucking pendulum, and she counts the beats out loud while the song is playing. SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN. No one else is counting the beats and neither should you. but she has two left feet.

Another thing that I learned from taking this is class is that I have to make my public shagging debut in downtown Columbia at the end of April. Oh shit. I'm fucking terrified of the notion of people who shag watch me dance horribly and I have this recurring thought that I'm really going to fuck this thing up in front of everyone. So yeah, if you want to see me make a complete fool of myself, then come to this debut. It will be so awesome to the point that you don't even know.

Despite my bad dancing and ugly shag partners, the best part of shagging is the ELECTRIC SLIDE. The ELECTRIC SLIDE IS THE BALLS FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT AWARE OF ITS SHEER GREATNESS. Every pool party in my childhood was always capped off with parents and kids doing the boogie-woogie-woogie-woo on the dancefloor. So when something as awesome as the Electric Slide comes on, I can't help but to let loose and get busy on the dancefloor.Last week during class, I learned that shag clubs actually play the Electric Slide, so I convinced my instructor to let us do the Electric Slide in class. To say the least, it was ballin'. If my debut consists of doing the Electric Slide, then it could quite possibly be the best thing ever. Here's to wishful thinking.

Busy

Sorry for the lack of updates folks. I've been really busy with school and this thing called life, so updates have been few and far between in the past two weeks. That will change, hopefully, as I'm about to commence Spring Break in t-minus 24 hours. So bear with me here. I know you're dying to read about the latest chapter in my life, but you're going to have to wait. Remember, patience is a virtue. My mom used to always say that and now I always find myself saying it. Anyway, expect a post sometime soon. It will be good, I promise.

Epiphany

After being in college for three years, I'm thoroughly convinced that nearly college male is a complete douchebag.

More on that later.

BFtP: #39 Get Featured on a Sports Blog (Part III)

After a weeklong hiatus from our epic tale, we resume our story after young Jason leaves Redskins' Training Camp and heads off into the sunset with the Cone nestled safely into his car's trunk.

Upon returning home and explaining to my parents about why we had to keep a traffic cone in our house, I proceeded to write about my incredible day in this blog that I had started at the beginning of the summer. This blog was supposed to chronicle my summer at home and would make writing my internship paper much easier to do, but of course, I found out that my work recieved Google Blog Alerts, so that wasn't happening. Despite the original intention, I decided to write down this extraordinary moment since the moment was fresh in my mind and I wanted to put down the pure joy and exuberance that I felt during that day.

The next morning, I had to return to work at my internship. My bosses decided to give me four-day weekends in the summer for a multitude of reasons, including 1) I would get my work done too quickly, 2) there were too many interns, 3) I lived the closest to home, and 4) I would always get on everyone's nerves. Fair enough. They would send me on "research" missions, where they would have me research certain things and report back to them. Although I loved the days off, the work was very tedious. Those first days back in the office during the week were always the worst, since I would seem to have work to do when I wasn't in the office. Of course, the first order of business after checking my e-mail and facebook was to see Steinz himself wrote. I figured that something would happen since he was interested in these kinds of things and he was writing shit down.

And then, I went to the DC Sports Bog, and BAM it was there. At the top of the page, there was an article about Redskin players autographing a traffic cone. Holy shit. I wanted to scream really loud and prance around the office but I could not because I was supposed to be fixing spreadsheets and making phone calls. Of course, I spent the majority of the morning placing and recieving congratulatory calls from my fellow comrades, ignoring the mounting pile of work. At midday, without a single thing done, my office manager walked into my office and asked what I was doing, as she could obviously see that I was way off-task. I had to unfortunately admit what I was doing and she told me that the boss wanted to see me in his office pronto.

I spent what seemed like forever in my boss' office that afternoon, explaining to him what I was doing and why I was at Redskins Training Camp instead working on "research" for the organization. I recieved a stern lecture from my boss about the importance of doing what you're told and blah blah blah. Like I really cared, since I was two weeks away from the end of my internship and the benefits of being on a sports blog outweighed the scorn I received from my bosses. Honestly, I was yelled at more for this stupid incident than for puking in the sink or even breaking the copier right before an event. Go me.

And with that, we end our story. Granted, there may be much left to be desired, but this is the story of how one my goals went down and was accomplished. I do not think I will ever do this kind of three-part story ever again.

Here are the articles if you're interested:

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2007/08/the_cone.html

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2007/08/skins_go_stache.html

Thank you and goodnight.

The Results are In

After all of the precincts have tabulated their final results and have reported back to HQ, we finally have a winner in the month-long "What Thing On My List Should I Do Next?" contest. Apparently, only 12 people, including myself, have exercised their civic duty and voted and for that you receive a nice congratulatory pat on the back. By a narrow margin, "Do A Kegstand" is the winning, receiving half of those 12 votes.

So I guess I will have to concentrate my efforts on doing a kegstand now, which sounds really stupid and gay. Like I'm actually going to seek out a keg to do this. If a keg presents itself and says "Hey, you, drink from my spout," then I most certainly will. And by a keg, I mean a metal container that can hold up to 150 cans of beer and not other things that perverts and other similar figures think of. I'm pretty sure this goal can be completed very easily, seeing as how I'm in college and kegs are a dime a dozen here.

Now as for my next poll, I'm going to shift gears for a change. After being amazed at the remarkable amount of touching and revealing personals that are strewn across the internets, I have decided that I am going see what these women are all about. So the question is, ladies and gents:

What kind of girl should I go for in online dating?

A. Big woman

B. Trashy woman

C. Bitch woman

D. Foreign woman

E. Religious woman

F. Write-in vote.

You can pick multiple choices on this one folks, THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER PEOPLE!!! Comments are more than welcome. I have a feeling that this will be very entertaining.

DISCLOSURE

this is in no way an attempt to demean women. it is solely for entertainment purposes. if you have an objection to this, then leave the site. you have so many better things to do than to read about a college student's musings about his stupid and childish goals. and if you are ridiculously offended by it because i have decided to sink this low for my blog, please that this is not serious and i only plan on this being a one and done deal, and you probably could have had your chance, but of course that is never the case. AND if you dated me, suck my balls woman. you deserve it for completely erasing me entirely from your life.

My Fellow Readers.

My Fellow Readers,

As you see in the top left hand corner of this blog, there is a little poll that asks my readers to choose the next task that I should accomplish on my list. It's been up there for over a month, and only four people have voted on it. And that includes myself, so technically only three people have voted in it. Although I might be first to admit that only three people read this site, Sitemeter apparently tells a different story, since a lot more than three people visit this site. That's right, I've got fucking Sitemeter, so I are watching u n00bzz. So someone, either you or a computer, is lying to me. Obviously, I would never call you readers liars but then again, you never know.

People, stand up and have your voice heard!!! Well not really, since the leading votegetter "Go to March Madness" is completely out of the question, thanks in part, to my Sport Finance class. But vote anyway, it's your duty as a reader, and the only requirement is that you have be able to read and click a mouse. It's that simple. Not only will I refuse to listen to your opinions, the poll is only for shits and giggles. So suck it to whomever voted to think I honestly care about what I'm doing next. But seriously, I might consider it, so voting is still important. Thank you once again and God Bless America!

Sincerely,

Your Blogging Overlord

Puffy's gonna straight up murda yo ass if u don't vote.

Thanks to CWA and AfroPlodge for the pictures.