#64: Learn a Dance

I'll admit it. I am a very bad dancer. I should have no business whatsoever setting foot onto a dancefloor. I have two left feet, I've got no shimmy, nor can I move with the music. Dancing and me just do not mix. We've never mixed. If So You Think You Can Dance were ever to ask me that question, I would give them a straight up "no." And even if I was a star, I'm sure Bruno and Carrie-Lee would escort me off the stage and hurl my dancing shoes and I onto the street.

if there was a pictorial representation of me dancing, this would be it.

I can still remember those awkward dances in high school, where I would break it down in a way that would be similar to person having a seizure, even to the point where they're foaming at the mouth. Plus I'll never forget going to my ex-girlfriend's senior prom, where I proceeded to embarrass her thoroughly with the routine of dance moves my friends and I performed. The Cabbage Patch, the Water Sprinkler, the Harlem Shake, Rump Shaking, the Electric Slide, the Cha-Cha Slide, Reeling in the Fish, the Macarena, the White Boy dance, the Lasso, even the Guido Dance , all of them were out in full force that night. Let's just say that people have never looked at me in the same manner after that night.

So I'm trying to change all of that. How so? I'm taking a Shagging class this semester down at school. Unfortunately, it is not a "Shagging" class, where I learn to properly hook up with women, although I wish it were so. No, according to my friend the Internets, Shagging is basically a dance that can only be found in the Carolinas and Georgia which consists of a hops, steps, and turns that is danced to moderately slow songs. The shag dance is sort of a lazy jitterbug, done on beaches, often at night, always with someone of the opposite sex. According to me, Shagging is a fucking stupid dance where you run in place with a partner and doing crazy twists and turns while listening to the Temptations or Bee Gees. Apparently, it's the state dance of South Carolina, so it must be significant for that reason alone.

"YEAAA BABY! YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO RANDY! SHALL WE SHAG BABY?"

Why am I learning shag? The reasons are threefold. 1) I fucking blow at dancing and I want to learn something useful. 2) I need a one-credit course to take in order to graduate in December. 3) Meet women. It's like killing three birds with one stone right there. So once a week, I am enrolled in Introduction to Shag, where I learn the complexities of the dance with our prospective Shaggers. Through four weeks of the class, I have learned that I completely suck at shag and cannot for the life of me, keep on rhythm with the song.

This is a scary proposition because apparently, we have to make a public debut in downtown Columbia later this semester and dance in front of anyone who shows up. Oh man. I'll keep you guys updated.